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Lamont Palmer Male, 53, United States (5/27/2014 3:31:00 PM)

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The original poem has mysteriously vanished, but from what I can remember you had a line that went:

'once I compared an old lover's nipples to tiny sombreros'

I cut that down to,

'I compared a lover's nipples to small sombreros'.

I took out the word 'once'. it simply wasn't needed. And I took out 'old', which is a very boring adjective, 'old this, old that', etc. My line conveys the same thought, and loses nothing except extra syllables. Thus, more musical. Concision creates music. I also took out the line that began with 'my wife'. That sounds overly personal and banal. But thats my modernist tastes kicking in. My version sounds more 'poetic' than yours, without me having to completely rewrite it, like Gwynn did. A little nipping and tucking is all it takes. -LP

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  • Freshman - 644 Points Jefferson Carter (5/29/2014 10:40:00 AM) Post reply
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    Lamont, as far as I can tell, all you've done is clutter up my poem with purely expository phrases (wasted tales, party thrown in regret, languid pity) : please, tell me where you think you've " enhanced" the music?

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