Poetics and Poetry Discussion

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Jefferson Carter Jefferson Carter Male, 92, United States (9/24/2013 8:05:00 PM)

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Pretty strident, Frank. You're not going to convince any pro-choicers with this poem though you may make the anti-abortionists cheer. I think if you kept lines 1,2,9,10, and 12, you'd have something more powerful because more suggestive.

The vacuum wasn't working today,
so a dozen infants were spared.

Sleep well, doctors of homicide,
the vacuum repair-man came today

to the anguish of all man's gods,

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  • Freshman - 837 Points Lamont Palmer (9/25/2013 11:11:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies
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    I have to be honest here - what JC did was cut the banalities out of it (the first stanza was textbookish and matter-of-fact) and left a smaller, but much more interesting poem. Its not what you say, its how you say it that carries the day. Messages are a dime a dozen. -LP

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    • Freshman - 837 Points Lamont Palmer (9/25/2013 8:26:00 PM) Post reply

      I appreciate your comments, Frank. I honestly feel you've grown as a poet since 2006 or so, paring down to a slightly more conversational tone, yet keeping your language 'high' enough to make it sing ... more

    • Freshman - 837 Points Frank James Ryan Jr...fjr (9/25/2013 3:59:00 PM) Post reply

      Hi, Lamont...The work was not meant to convey any messages...The theme was quite obvious as I wanted it to be.....Opnionated & perhaps politically charged...okay, yes, but employing what I felt to be ... more

  • Gold Star - 34,690 Points Frank James Ryan Jr...fjr (9/25/2013 2:09:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    Hi J.C...Thanks for the read and comment...Yes, strident would be the" RIGHT" operative generalization, here, as that was my intent, be it audience popular or not...I was actually waiting on a reply from Ted Cruz but it was then brought to my attention that T.C. had far bigger Scrod on the elephant skillet, filibusting....Anyway...although I would agree that the work could be improved upon, as I think any work by anyone could be, I must disagree with your assessment that only five of these lines were worth keeping. Personally, I thought if anything, you would cite me for being overly ornate and TOO suggestive, rather than an intimation that the piece were anemic of power/impact...Look, for what it's worth to you: (1) I do subscribe to your longtime mantra of avoiding unnecessary, grandiose language (2) The over use and the repetitive synonymous use of adjectives when the point/message could have been conveyed much better and stronger by keeping it simpler and, (3) The work MUST posess smooth structural movement.All that said, I feel that the language I chose was powerful enough via those 5 lines, alone. I thought that I closed strong as well. The structure(imo) had a nice flow from onset to close-out..Also, the piece although far from succinct, was not un-necessarily drawn-out, and (IMO) , felt the work as a whole had met a true measure of substance and in less than 20 lines. Finally, unless the Reader found the theme to be of no interest to them, personally, I can'; t see any line in the work being considered mundane or dreckish content....And, check it out, Jefferson....I was dash-free....which was quite an agonizing process for me to engage in with successful results...Bottom line is that I respect your opinion as well as your suggestions, and to show my appreciation...I will be exiting the forum today, stage LEFT, when I logoff to head-off for some Z's and another NASCAR morning on the Westside Highway! Cheers to you & BTW: How's the production line going on your recent release?If you ever want to market your books on the internet via Search Engine Optimization, you let me know....FjR

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    • Gold Star - 34,690 Points Jefferson Carter (9/25/2013 11:26:00 AM) Post reply

      Hell, Frank, no need to defend your poetic choices. I'm satisified with you fighting a battle against dashes! Hey, poems for sale, beautiful young poems for sale! Let me know if you want a loving-a ... more

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