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Alice Vedral Rivera Alice Vedral Rivera Female, 65, United States (6/15/2013 4:54:00 PM)

JC - That was a very good critique of a poem I wrote in 1998. How about this one written in 2007.....


Seduced by vague trace
of carnal recall
by time warped constraint
of restricted lust

Stranded in canyons
flooded with hunger
we writhe - twisting
and turning in the
belly of the beast

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  • Freshman - 644 Points Jefferson Carter (6/15/2013 7:53:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
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    Problems again: belly of the beast is a cliche. At least no irritating rhyme going on, but your clusters of adjective-noun phrases (vague trace, carnal recall) have an annoying sameness. I'd suggest stop writing and immerse yourself in some good contemporary writers. Otherwise, there's no way you'll improve as a poet. Doing the same things over and over with little guidance insures you won't grow.

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    • Freshman - 644 Points Alice Vedral Rivera (6/16/2013 7:32:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

      Thanks for the review JC. You know I am never going to write like you as I don't particularly care for a lot of your poems, but I really do like Litter Box and your newer poems are more palatable.

  • Rookie - 329 Points Alice Vedral Rivera (6/15/2013 6:33:00 PM) Post reply

    Correction - Deprivation was written in 2008.

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