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I don't think this is too bad :) you write of an intriguing concept. Perhaps if you wrote more on this topic and had a rhyme scheme it would be better?But nice work :)
Good poems aren't about concepts or ideas; they're about words. This is clumsy and ungainly. A rhyme scheme makes sense here since it is a " song, " but no amount of formal scaffolding will cure the writer's basic lack of English fundamentals.