Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop
(11/17/2011 4:50:00 AM)
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It seems to me (and i could well be wrong) that you are trying to force the rhyme aspecet of the poem too much. Obviously it's not a bad thing for a poem to rhyme but i think due to fitting in a non-abstract line that rhymes with the last one, it has changed the amount of syllables from one line to the next too much, interupting the metre and flow of the poem.
On re-reading the poem i would say there are two lines that need to be changed (and only slightly) .
'Remembering all of her mother's warnings at birth' Needs to be shorter
And the line:
'But no light she finds in the night' Needs to be a bit longer. Also the repetition of 'light' in this line and the next feels wrong to me, but then i might just be being pedantic with that.
Other than that, i don't think it's that bad a poem.
I hope my critique has been useful and please feel free to criticise my own work.