Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop

Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
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Samantha De Vera Female, 23, United States (10/20/2011 12:43:00 PM)

Just wanted to share a poem to see what people thought :)

'The Raven'

A shadow looms overhead, blanketing the ground
people look up in terror, running around
Fearing what they don't know, they fight
Piercing arrows through the heart, midflight
The beast falls to the hard earth
Remembering all of her mother's warnings at birth
She lies there motionless, tears on her cheeks
Waiting, trying to find the peace she seeks
But no light she finds in the night
So she lies there, cold, until the morning light

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  • Rookie Jack Williams (11/17/2011 4:50:00 AM) Post reply | Read 2 replies
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    It seems to me (and i could well be wrong) that you are trying to force the rhyme aspecet of the poem too much. Obviously it's not a bad thing for a poem to rhyme but i think due to fitting in a non-abstract line that rhymes with the last one, it has changed the amount of syllables from one line to the next too much, interupting the metre and flow of the poem.
    On re-reading the poem i would say there are two lines that need to be changed (and only slightly) .
    The line:
    'Remembering all of her mother's warnings at birth' Needs to be shorter
    And the line:
    'But no light she finds in the night' Needs to be a bit longer. Also the repetition of 'light' in this line and the next feels wrong to me, but then i might just be being pedantic with that.

    Other than that, i don't think it's that bad a poem.
    I hope my critique has been useful and please feel free to criticise my own work.

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