Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop

Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
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Reggy Marchia Male, 27, Indonesia (3/22/2011 9:12:00 AM)

hello guys i am from Indonesia i want to share you about my first poem
could you give me a clue or critic about it please

To the goddess

You Lived on Heaven

Yet it provide you everything

All kinds of food you want to eat

Every clothes you want to wear

Every single place you want to visit

It's free you only ask

Somehow a prince with the white horse come

He asked

'Come with me my beautiful princess'

you fascinated by him

you lend over yours hand to him

both of you go to the far place together

they passed the golden bridge

and passed the universe

together and together

this is the long way journey

finally you recognize something weird

when you close your eyes for a while

suddenly your prince gone along with his white horse

His Gone, His Gone

You felt into despair

that despair become dark

totally dark that you want to think about it

Finally you pray


'Give it back my prince' you said

'Give me my prince back' you said

it's been a month since you pray

your eyes become red

your voice become hoarse

your body become thin

somehow you see a hand

but it's not your prince hand

this is a human hand

You laugh

You split the hand

with proud you said

'I Don't Need You'

but the hand still remains there

several days it passed

the hand still remains there

several months it passed

the hand still remains there

Now the hand gone

Now your alone

fall into darkness

Forever and eternity

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  • Rookie - 26 Points Jide Pounds Ibitoye (8/27/2011 5:17:00 PM) Post reply
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    0 person did not like.

    I totally love ur poem, having a storyline made it unique, keep it on! U ve inspired me..: -)

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