Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop

Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
Post a message

Click here to list all messages

D.m. Barber Australia (10/6/2005 2:43:00 AM)

please reply regarding this poem-

Broken Hearted
By D.M. Barber

The hunger within
Can’t break the fast
You broke my heart
You were the last

For time will pass
I will grow old
But the way you loved me
‘Twas so cold

So cold it burns
It leaves a scar
So precious and clean
Carved by a tsar

The hurt within
Will come to my grave
The hurt within
It makes me a slave

A broken heart
The worst pain felt
But the games not over
More cards to be dealt

To post a reply to this message, click here
Replies for this message:


  • Rookie Jessica H (10/19/2005 3:45:00 PM) Post reply
    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.

    I enjoyed this poem, you have good imagery and you rhyme scheme works nicely. The only suggestion I would make would be 'carved by a tsar' this line sounds a touch awkward to me. Besides that I love it!

  • Rookie Ikazoboh Austine Jeffrey (10/16/2005 9:24:00 AM) Post reply

    hello barber that was a very good one and the rhyming was good. The tone sounds like the poet 'you' just got his heart broken.

[Hata Bildir]