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Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop


Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
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Elie Abou Chaaya Male, 28, Lebanon (9/9/2005 6:53:00 PM)

Hello people,
i just need professional opinions for 2 of my poems 'my promise' and 'till we meet again', it's very urgent and important. post your opinions directly to me, or in here. i heard people say that i have a unique style of writing. and i'm asking yours. thank you all in advance.

Till we meet again
 
 
It’s hard to say goodbye, and leave everything behind
But, my dear, I am forced to leave far away and hide
Away from you, and weep every moment we spent together
But what can I do, if faith holds us apart from each other?

I struggled so long, till I forgot the reason behind the pain
But all I know, is that every time I see you, my heart beats again
In stormy nights, and shiny days, summer breezes, and winter bites
I struggled till I couldn’t no more; I surrendered and delivered the fight

It’s time to say goodbye, I kiss your hand while I am down on my knees
Knowing that you will never be mine, denying that you belong to me
The fight is over, the war is lost, and through the ashes, you will find me
Alone, broken, screaming your name, as my wounds are killing me

How I always wanted to say to you how much I love you
How I desired one honest look from your eyes, into the depths of my soul
But, you never understand what I want, or you knew and never desired me
You preferred others, made mistakes, and were too blind to see

What you’ve done to my heart, what you’ve done to my soul and my mind
It’s time for me to leave, to tear away what’s left from me, and leave you behind
How life is not fair, how love is ruthless, how feelings get dissolved and fade away
I will go to bed tonight, and cry you one last time, and tomorrow, I will start a new day

I will march the gardens of misery, and try to find a rose, all alone like me
I will give her love, warm, comfort, water, and sun; I will kiss her thorns and bleed
And none of you will remain, but a name written on my heart with fire
You shall always be forever my lost love, my lost need, my lost desire...

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  • Ernestine Northover (10/31/2005 1:37:00 PM) Post reply Stage

    Hi Elie, I think you have an awful lot to say in this poem, and in my opinion it needs to be a little bit more concise, but still getting the message across. I think perhaps you are trying to explain too much, which make each line a little too long. I had this problem when I first started writing poetry, and I had to be firm with myself and cut out a lot of words. It's not like writing a book, it has to be a bit more condensed. The content is a lovely subject, so try doing a bit of 'cutting' out, a bit of editing, so to speak. I hope you don't think I'm preaching, but it may help. Sincerely Ernestine Northover

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