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Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop

Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
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Paul Slinski Paul Slinski Male, 44, Canada (3/11/2005 10:30:00 AM)

(This massage was posted as a reply to that message)

It's quite simple isn't it?

Out of the window
looking up and finding hope.
Jubilant gray puffs.

It seems to be a problem with action. Second line.

Looking up (past tense)
and we move to present with: I find hope in
That creates an awkward feeling for the reader to be pushed in two directions within six words.

At least, that's my opinion and I won't even mention the fact that the haiku does not contain a nature reference (just kidding) .

-P

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  • Andrew Philips (3/18/2005 8:20:00 AM) Post reply | Read 1 reply

    First of all, a haiku doesn't have to contain a nature reference. It is a form of poetry like any other and can be on any subject.

    And thanks for pointing out the past/present contradiction. To fix this problem and keep the poem exactly the same, here is my new draft:

    A Stormy Day

    Out of the window,
    Looking up, I found hope in
    Jubilant gray puffs.

    I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

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    • Paul Slinski (5/16/2005 9:19:00 PM) Post reply

      That's better. You don't know what the kigo is? Ah well, doesn't matter. In North America we distort all traditions; tis the only way for art to survive and become more unique.

  • Lee Ann Schaffer (3/12/2005 7:19:00 AM) Post reply

    I like the way you put that. It was what I was feeling too, but you managed to more articulately express it... which is what this is all about, right?

    -and you did know that the cloud reference was nature, right? Unless you don't get out much... (Just kidding, too.)

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