Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop

Workshop for poetry written in traditional forms.
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Lee Ann Schaffer Female, 53, United States (3/10/2005 11:34:00 AM)

To Andrew Philips

I'm not sure what exactly you're feeling that makes it not right for you yet (I really like it by the way) , but without changing the content and only adding one new word, I could offer the following:

A Stormy Day

Out of the window,
I look up; hope drifts by in
jubilant gray puffs.

That keeps your form and your content. It doesn't even remove you (by the use of the word 'I') from the poem. The only thing added is a sense of movement. Since I'm unsure of what you seek, I only respectfully offer a possibility. It's quite nice the way you've last drafted it.

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  • Rookie Andrew Philips (3/18/2005 8:09:00 AM) Post reply
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    Thanks for the advice. This poem was really a practice in juxapition (I no spel well) and the reason for my not being satisfied with it most probably has to do with my personal writing style. I have a very choppy way of writing what I think and that haiku proves it. Your edit, Lee Ann, rises in how it is spoken in the first line and in the second part of the second line, while it falls in the first part of the second line and the last line. My version is three choppy thoughts that smooth out on the last line. I think your edit is great, except the use of semi-colon slows down the poem too much. I would use a dash instead. I slows down the thought long enough that the reader knows that a shift is occuring. This also give the sence that the speaker going straight from explaining what they are doing, to what they are observing.

    Again, thanks for the advice.

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