Rhythm and Rhyme Workshop
(11/4/2012 3:09:00 PM)
Please check out my poems and comment on a couple. I would really love to get some feedback on rhythmic and rhyming patterns. Any advice is helpful. Thanks!
(10/28/2012 12:58:00 AM)
The first mother
Deaths’ scythe is singing, death is a calling
My light is gone, my star has fallen
She called my name like we were lovers
Before I knew it the dream was all over
I cant blame her for what she has done
She will call everyone’s name until we are all gone
She must return what she has borrowed
Deaths’ scythe will be calling you upon the morrow
She was the first mother, she set us free
She is called death but her true name is Eve
Now she must give back what she took
Upon her face you must never look
She is very beautiful, Her beauty is like no other
Her beauty saddens you, her scythe ends your sorrow
She was the first woman, she was the first mother
Please comment. Good or bad. Thank you
(10/25/2012 8:14:00 PM)
Hey I'm a extremely desperate poet desperate for feedback and instructions tips hints criticism and most desperate for betterment no matter how good the cause desperate isn't a good look....please help me out! Messages comments or just reading my poems flood my inbox with criticisms comment with many tips hints suggestions and praise (if you find praise worthy things) please help! !
(10/14/2012 8:19:00 PM)
Some comments please, does it read ok, make sense. Based around a real event.
While most would cherish their whole family
Your only treasure was motherly
The visitor pegs were still like new
May as well of got a refund on the sofa too
I couldn't just be part of the mahogany
To be kicked around like furniture, was never me
A wedding one year party for my bro' I had to go
So what if I worked all day, I'd still come home tho'
The days of frustration were plenty
The excuses you gave were mistrust and jealousy
I'm sure when they gave out compassion
You and your mum must of been on a ration
It was kind of drastic, some would say crazy
When you chased in pyjamas, like a jealous mad lady
To the end of the road, and the alley I went
Peeped out to see your shadow, chasing with dissent
A running man under the moonlight I became
Your bedroom demeanour could of earned you some fame
Though your purpose was scary and intense
You felt one grab could make me see your sense
One more turning and I was sure I'd be alright
Just a few minutes more, for a taxi at midnight
As i stumbled inside, I said where I want to be
Alongside my bro, casue we're all family!
(10/12/2012 11:03:00 PM)
Guys... Is my Verse... alive?(haha. I love Emily.)
A Sonnet for Cesar
A gentle face, that mark’d my heart profound-
should hands of mine caress your bony cheek;
A regal visage I would like have crowned,
And I’d traverse your frail and wight physique-
For I’d lick dry your sacred strong demesne.
Your eyes do pore like rain, it chills quite fine;
My lips of liquid drench, could not abstain,
We’d kiss with sweet delight, our souls align!
The orange warmth and measure glowing skin,
and sweeter length of your so lovely bones,
to jaunty widths that is your soul, therein;
and flesh to flesh, I’d love with love- with moans.
And oh, if you were mine, you’d be my rose-
And oh, if we could kiss, I’d stop this prose.
David C Probst
(10/11/2012 8:05:00 AM)
A stormy night it was that shook the trees
Their lofty heads dishevelled by the wind
Like humans waking from their restless sleep
Deprived of vigour, diffusèd in their minds.
That night the blackbird clinging to its nest
Attempting to preserve its fragile breed
From being swept away by zephyr’s jest
Made way to nature’s deadly, heedless deed.
Abandoned and exposèd thus did lie
Two naked eggs the bird was meant to hatch
Still warm and lulled in false security
Yet doomed without their parent's soothing thatch -
And yet, despite such dim imperative
The weak one died, the stronger one survived!
(10/6/2012 6:50:00 AM)
| Read 2 replies
Check this out...i'm kinda new here and will be needing guide from the experienced one...please i want you all to comment on this
" I never knew i could fly
until i see you cry
Patiently waiting for your smile
but it's way long along the tide
you make me walk the mile
even though its for a while
i never knew i could fly
until i see me try..."Replies for this message:
(10/17/2012 6:30:00 AM)
great, but don`t confine your feelings to just rhyming, use free verse or blank verse,
Okoronkwo Jackson Jonathan
(10/8/2012 2:40:00 PM)
I love your portrayed idea but you have to synchronize your lines to allow a free flow and sensational link. Add meaning I mean. Check the first two lines.
- Gulsher John (10/17/2012 6:30:00 AM) Post reply
B. V. Dahlen
(10/5/2012 8:10:00 AM)
Writing in rhyme and meter takes discipline. Trying to capture complex ideas while confined to structure can stifle some people. I find that searching for the " perfect" word to balance my line sometimes leads me to an even better expression of my thoughts. Please read and comment on some of my poems and let me know what you think. Thanks. Bea (B. V. Dahlen)
(9/21/2012 8:33:00 AM)
| Read 3 replies
Can you see your reflection through my eyes.
Covered in glitter and drowning in lies.
Are you staring back at an image you’ve come to despise
All that poison has left you broken and unwise.
Hiding behind a facade, nothing is as it seems.
Lost in an illusion and caught up in a dream.
Blinded by the haze of your own destruction.
In the wake of a bitter seduction.
Will your eyes be forever wide shut,
Hiding behind all that smoke and smut?
What happens when you finally fall to your knees
And there is no one to answer your pleas?
When will you be able to look into her eyes,
Free and totally stripped of your disguise?Replies for this message:
Okoronkwo Jackson Jonathan
(10/8/2012 2:27:00 PM)
Hmmm! Wonderful write. Great work. I love all the lines.
(10/5/2012 3:07:00 AM)
wow! ! you are awesome.. you're great.. i just wonder who is your inspiration =))
(9/25/2012 11:08:00 AM)
Saundra, this poem is cleverly written " Hiding behind a facade, nothing is as it seems. Lost in an illusion and caught up in a dream. " I love these two lines especially. Great write!
- Okoronkwo Jackson Jonathan (10/8/2012 2:27:00 PM) Post reply
(9/19/2012 8:25:00 PM)
Hello there guys and gals, Well, i am not looking for people to comment on my Poems, no sir, i would like for all of you out there to Give me your name and Favorite poems, and i will Comment and like them depends on their awesomeness, Don't be afraid and Message me your Favorite poems, Good day.