Freeform Workshop

Workshop for poetry written in free forms.
Post a message

Click here to list all messages

Hugh Cobb Male, 68, United States (12/26/2005 8:28:00 PM)

(This massage was posted as a reply to that message)

Mr. Sattar:

The poem is quite lovely. The images clean and precise, the descriptions take you into the realm you experienced and you communicate it well. That being said, I have some suggestions which might strengthen the poem:

1. Line 2, dropp the word 'the' before 'sky is full of golden rays.' It is not needed.
2. Line 3, dropp the word 'the' before 'silence.' It will make the line more powerful and metaphoric.
3. Move the question mark at the end of line three to the end of the 1st stanza. It will make the meaning clearer also change 'is exposing' to 'exposes'. Drop the the in front of 'silently gazing rays. You might add the word 'of' before 'the fairy of' and add the word 'the' before universe. Also in the last line you might substitute the word 'our' for the word 'the' and make the word eye plural.
4. Second stanza, Line 3 add the word 'with' in front of no-one and replace the word 'talk' with the word 'speak' and perhaps a colon at the end of the line to clarify sense.
5. Line 4, I would suggest 'Shut files and closed mouths' It is clearer.
6. Line 5, Replace the word 'let' with the word allow and 'to perceive the beauty queen' in place of 'to stare at the beauty queen.' So the line would read, 'allow the eyes to percieve the beauty queen.' Adding a period would clarify thought.
7. Line 7, try substituting 'offers' or 'surrenders' for 'gives. A colon at the end of the line would add clarity.
8. Line 8, Drop the words 'it is'.
9. Line 9, Metaphor is stronger than simile. Try making a definite statement. What you have is passable, but 'tonight is a blessing of nature.' is a stronger line and makes the image metaphoric.

10. Stanza 3, Line 2, Drop the word 'the' before the phrase 'trees are whispering.
11. Line 4, Drop the word 'the' before the word 'stars.'
12. Line 5, Drop the word 'the' before the word 'flames'.
13. Line 6, The line does not work to end the poem strongly as it stands, rethink it a little. I suggest something like, 'issuing from the golden mouth of the queen of solitude.'

Following is the poem using the changes I suggested, read it and see what you think.

The Moon

In the dark cold night
sky is full of golden rays
Who can tell the truth behind silence?
What is the mystery of the cat walk
Which silently gazing rays
of the fairy of the universe exposes
To our little naked eyes?

The still mode of the world
Looks so beautiful at that moment:
with no-one to speak even a word or two.
Shut files and closed mouths
allow eyes to perceive the beauty queen:
This protocol of nature
who offers her charm of limitless moments.
Too early to go to bed,
Tonight is a blessing of nature.

This untouched moment is so steady
That trees are whispering,
Stars are hiding their faces
From being burnt to ashes
By flames of rising fire
Issuing from the golden mouth
of the queen of solitude.

I hope this does not discourage you in any way. This is a worthy poem. I've been writing for a very long time and another poet might see things very differently from me. I wish you the best with this piece. Try the suggested changes and see how it reads to you.


Hugh Cobb

To post a reply to this message, click here
Replies for this message:


  • Rookie Abdul Sattar (1/12/2006 3:34:00 PM) Post reply
    0 person liked.
    0 person did not like.

    Dear Hugh Cobb,

    Thanks for your good comments and edits. I need people like you to get me out of the trouble of making mistakes and unusual usage of words. I will keep it and will keep your message and comments as a good poetry lesson for me. Thanks.

    Abdul Sattar

[Hata Bildir]