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Abdul Sattar Male, 37, Pakistan (9/25/2005 1:35:00 AM)

It was then a few days before. I was out from my room at that night looking at sky gave me a touch of the nature. I was moved by the spraying light of the moon and compelled to converge my experiences but how I did it? Is that good one or not: Look at the poem below that I put on the paper and without amendment I am presenting it here:


The Moon

In the dark cold night
The sky is full of golden rays
Who can tell the truth behind the silence?
What is the mystery of the cat walk?
Which the silently gazing rays
The fairy of universe is exposing
To the little naked eye

The still mode of the world
Looks so beautiful at that moment
No one to talk even a word or two
Files shut and closed mouths
Let the eyes to stare at the beauty queen
This protocol of nature
Gives her charms of limitless moments
It is too early to go to bed
For tonight is like the blessing of nature

This untouched moment is so steady
That the trees are whispering
The stars are hiding their faces
From being burnt to ashes
By the flames of rising fire
From the mouth of queen of solitude

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  • Rookie Hugh Cobb (12/26/2005 8:28:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
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    Mr. Sattar:

    The poem is quite lovely. The images clean and precise, the descriptions take you into the realm you experienced and you communicate it well. That being said, I have some suggestions which might strengthen the poem:

    1. Line 2, dropp the word 'the' before 'sky is full of golden rays.' It is not needed.
    2. Line 3, dropp the word 'the' before 'silence.' It will make the line more powerful and metaphoric.
    3. Move the question mark at the end of line three to the end of the 1st stanza. It will make the meaning clearer also change 'is exposing' to 'exposes'. Drop the the in front of 'silently gazing rays. You might add the word 'of' before 'the fairy of' and add the word 'the' before universe. Also in the last line you might substitute the word 'our' for the word 'the' and make the word eye plural.
    4. Second stanza, Line 3 add the word 'with' in front of no-one and replace the word 'talk' with the word 'speak' and perhaps a colon at the end of the line to clarify sense.
    5. Line 4, I would suggest 'Shut files and closed mouths' It is clearer.
    6. Line 5, Replace the word 'let' with the word allow and 'to perceive the beauty queen' in place of 'to stare at the beauty queen.' So the line would read, 'allow the eyes to percieve the beauty queen.' Adding a period would clarify thought.
    7. Line 7, try substituting 'offers' or 'surrenders' for 'gives. A colon at the end of the line would add clarity.
    8. Line 8, Drop the words 'it is'.
    9. Line 9, Metaphor is stronger than simile. Try making a definite statement. What you have is passable, but 'tonight is a blessing of nature.' is a stronger line and makes the image metaphoric.

    10. Stanza 3, Line 2, Drop the word 'the' before the phrase 'trees are whispering.
    11. Line 4, Drop the word 'the' before the word 'stars.'
    12. Line 5, Drop the word 'the' before the word 'flames'.
    13. Line 6, The line does not work to end the poem strongly as it stands, rethink it a little. I suggest something like, 'issuing from the golden mouth of the queen of solitude.'

    Following is the poem using the changes I suggested, read it and see what you think.

    The Moon

    In the dark cold night
    sky is full of golden rays
    Who can tell the truth behind silence?
    What is the mystery of the cat walk
    Which silently gazing rays
    of the fairy of the universe exposes
    To our little naked eyes?

    The still mode of the world
    Looks so beautiful at that moment:
    with no-one to speak even a word or two.
    Shut files and closed mouths
    allow eyes to perceive the beauty queen:
    This protocol of nature
    who offers her charm of limitless moments.
    Too early to go to bed,
    Tonight is a blessing of nature.

    This untouched moment is so steady
    That trees are whispering,
    Stars are hiding their faces
    From being burnt to ashes
    By flames of rising fire
    Issuing from the golden mouth
    of the queen of solitude.

    I hope this does not discourage you in any way. This is a worthy poem. I've been writing for a very long time and another poet might see things very differently from me. I wish you the best with this piece. Try the suggested changes and see how it reads to you.

    Sincerely,

    Hugh Cobb

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    • Rookie Abdul Sattar (1/12/2006 3:34:00 PM) Post reply

      Dear Hugh Cobb, Thanks for your good comments and edits. I need people like you to get me out of the trouble of making mistakes and unusual usage of words. I will keep it and will keep your messag ... more

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