Freeform Workshop

Cheryl Wan Female, 29, Malaysia (4/7/2010 8:36:00 PM)

My 2nd attempt. Comments welcomed. Thanks

Hope

At one corner, someone is nodding while another lectures on,

Another corner, another whispers,

Right ahead, stifled giggles

To the left, a basketful of tissues

Belonging to someone who has just sneezed

Mouse clickings, tappings of keyboard,

Screens projecting light on every desk,

Empty soda cans,

Crumpled McDonalds' burger wrappers

Admist these daily animations,

A heart lies isolated in the blue room,

Keeps believing

Tries to keep warm,

Tries to stay beating,

Tries to keep something afloat

Craves for meaning among the meaningless

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Casey Donnell (5/13/2010 11:18:00 PM) Post reply | Read 1 reply
I am an English Major in University, I am a Sophomore. I think that you should use less punctuation; while it is good to have stops at some point poetry is not an essay. You will not get penalized for mechanics, when you use comma, after comma, after comma, to end lines it breaks the momentum you are building. Especially at the end when you are trying to convey urgency- read the poem out loud for every comma pause for `
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- Casey Donnell (5/13/2010 11:22:00 PM) Post reply
  sorry I accidentally hit enter. For every comma pause 1 second, every - 2 seconds, every; 3 seconds, every.4 seconds. Then consider whether the pause adds or detracts from the meaning of the line. Al ... more

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