Treasure Island

Writing Poetry


Discuss ways to improve your poetry. Post your techniques, tips, and creative ideas about how to write better.
Post a message

Click here to list all messages

Nishya Salim India (9/11/2013 8:18:00 AM)

THAT WAS A LIE..

Your voice had always lied to me..
‘I love you, and I will always do…’
It was a lie which I loved to hear..
A lie I badly wished was real …
But it was late until I realized..
You had an inner voice, a real one..
Which I had always ignored..
All the time you faked love to me..
Your real voice shouted inside you..
‘I don’t love you. I will never do…
It is not in my nature to love anyone
And you are no exception..’
How can that be fair?’
You had been lying and cheating..
You sensed love as a joke..
A cruel practical joke..
But I still find a meaningless smile on my lips,
Every time I think of you….

I need suggestions...that is one of my poems..

To post a reply to this message, click here
Replies for this message:

 

  • Renji Mao (9/12/2013 9:34:00 AM) Post reply Stage

    This is a very good poem! It portrays the struggle between false fulfillment and real deprivation.

    May I suggest that you shift some of the longer lines on a new line for emphasis on that part of the poem?

    For example:
    " But I still find
    A meaningless smile on my lips
    Every time I think
    Of you."

    Here, the emphasis is on " A meaningless..." and " Of you" .

    I find that this is a good way to draw the reader's attention to certain parts of the poem.

[Hata Bildir]