Activities of Shaakiera Schroeder

Today I woke with the all too familiar feelings again. Those never changing feelings, except perhaps always only in its threshold.
The familiarity, like the type of stranger you've known all your life, rattles me every time. Each time it happens I feel something stirring deep inside me, a shift at the depths of my core. The slightest of movements almost like a wisp of air it silently flutters, briefly, then it's gone. Because of the almost invisible touch and lightning speed in which it appears and disappears its easy to miss it. Allowing it to sneak up on me and then break through the surface of my mind. This only ever happens when I'm too exhausted to reason with the other side of me...
Nearly impossible to contain, this is the side that has no problem reminding me how completely obsolete I have become. That neither my presence nor my absence is of any relevance. I hear that side mocking me...she drawls in a wannabe sexy voice "honey..no stress...first they must see you". I have no idea whose voice the other side emulates because women were in short supply in my life, but more importantly, no one spoke to me ever In a tone of voice meant to invoke fear. No frustrated demands shrieked at me like a wild banshee or voices raised profanity flowing freely. I know the lowered voice very well, warnings of promised punishment spoken through gritted teeth. Terrifying and unfamiliar is the whispered rage meant to break not just bruise, its purpose to ultimately destroy. Unrecognizable and so hateful, the concept almost always foreign, at that moment I know I will never be able to fully grasp it. If I can't imagine it how would I ever understand it. Very, very cruel... Complex but why so familiar then?
...

Two years its been-painfully we struggled through the first half, barely survived the second half quite like a dream, trance like...going with the flow not caring where that flow may take me! Two years already...wow it seems like yesterday you told us your stay on earth is complete.
...

Today I woke
Face soaked
Eyes swollen
Today I woke with tears in my eyes.
...

Within My Soul

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart...it betrayed me one to many times....
I love to deeply. And care too excessively...
Then I hurt!
And the hurt is like so many hurts I have endured...yet so unlike any...
...