The Japanese Funeral Et Al Scots Poems Poem by Sheena Blackhall

Xmas Blues
Twas the week afore Xmas an aa through the toun
Are men in reid suits, wi white beards hingin doon
Cryin yo ho ho shoppers come intae ma grotto
Maist shoppers are sober but some are pure blotto

These Santas are aawye, wi elfs fur their helpers
Some dug owners buy cosy wraps fur their yelpers
Fur fin it snaas sausage dugs thole frozen bellies
An thochts turn tae muffs, gloves, an furry trimmed wellies

Nae Xmas cheer noo in the shops that are heezin
Fowk are fechtin fur bargains, chaip gifts fur the season
In Union Street, Santa gaes by on a sled
As reindeer trot by drappin dollops o merd

The pavements are stappit, they're skyty wi ice
Watch oot or ye'll faa on yer dowp in a trice

The toun's hung the Xmas lichts ower the street
Bairns tired bein trailed roon are stertin tae greet
There's chilblains, there's frostbite, there's hoastin an snocherin
Auld mannies are gobbin an splooterin an pyocherin

Hae ye ordered yer bubblyjock? Turkies noo vanish
Like snaa aff the dyke if the climate is Spanish
Buy yer skirly, yer Brussels, yer ingins a neep
Yer crackers, yer trifle. Hope yer pooches are deep?
Recycle the presents Jean Duff sent, puir quine
Re-post them tae fowk owerseas, they'll dae fine

Is yer tree bidin up? Is it drappin its needles?
The tree in the Castlegate's heich as the steeples

Is yer gairden tricked oot like a Dysneylan frolic?
Hae ye hung up yer wreath, tho the weather is Baltic?

Settle doon wi the wrappins, the presents, the glue
The Calendars, diaries, the best for the few

Or fecht through the traffic, the crowds an the queues
Fur the last meenit crates o wines, whiskey, the booze
Tae makk sure that auld granda will sleep eftir denner
Or buy yer peace chaip, Buckfast's under a tenner
Liqueurs, cognac, fruit cake, wi nuts, Xmas pies
An dumplin. Yer wecht winna drap, it'll rise
Hae ye bocht Secret Santa fur colleagues at wirk?
Posin pooch fur Heid o HR tae weir neth his sark?

An noo tae the scunnerin business o cards
Addressing them. Fa's deid, divorced, they're discards
An dinna forget the roon robin, tae blaw
Tae tell the warld aa that ye've daen this year's braw

In the toun's Xmas village the tills they are ringin,
Wi pyements fur venison baps. Fowk are singin
Oot carols, while ithers are skatin on ice
An naebody NAEBODY thinks on the price

Dinna staun unner mistletoe. Dae ye wint herpes?
Or slivers passed on by a man in his saxties?
Tho some wid ban Christmas, as it's nae PC
Fit ither excuse is there tae spen sae free! !


The Ghaist
We hae a hoose that's quaet aa day
At nicht it maens an squeaks
The win gaes chappin at the yett
A ghaistie upstairs creeps

Some say a halflin killt hissel
At hame. His grave's unblessed
This restless laddie, hooked on drugs
His speerit canna rest

He wis a seelent loon in life
Fa barely spakk a wird
Noo he's a dowie shadda
His ootlinn's blae an blurred

I ken him as a littlin
Heaven should hae kept his place
Bit he deed hauf a life ower sune
The door shut in his face

Noo he is doomed tae wauk the bounds
O his ain tragedy
A restless ghaistie in the Hell
That's kent as Purgatory

The Reid Stuff
Dae ye dook yer fries in ketchup? Yer controlling!
Dae ye poor sauce in the middle o yer chips?
Yer dogmatic an ambitious kind o body

Dae ye squirt an furl yer ketchup in thin lines?
Yer impatient wi a guid imagination
Dae ye dot it on yer fries? Yer shy bit friendly

Dae ye droon yer chips? Yer dinraisin, luve pairties
Dae ye doodle wi yer sauce? Ye are artistic
Dae ye keep yer ketchup separate in a cruet?
Yer a chermin snob, yer shalla, siller-hungry


Polar Bear Statue, Dundee
The Polar Bear that's frozen rinnin faist upon fower feet
Is a muckle sculptur o a fearie breet
Commemoratin Bruin, fa escaped frae oot his cage
Bocht tae exhibit in Commercial Street

Catched in the Davis Straits bi a Dundee whalin ship
Bruin ran amok in Dundee's tradin toon
Sic a skreichin! Sic a wud stramash! Sic rinnin terrifeed!
Until Bruin at the eyn wis hunted doon.

Noo the bear stauns cast in bronze, bit he disnae turn a hair
He's as stiff's a teddy bear stuffed oot wi fluff
As a deid attraction he is better viewed than fin alive
Fur a statue o the rampage is enough…

Cartoons on the prowl (Dundee Statues)
Oor Wullie stauns in Albert Square
His hair stauns up in spikes
He comes frae times o nits an sarks
Fan puir fowk rode on bikes

Desperate Dan is on the High Street
Wi his dug caad Dawg in towe
His belly's like a tractor tyre
Wi skinny shanks ablow

Minnie the Minx, ahin him
Is a Beano super-vratch
Bit Dan is frae The Dandy
They makk an unca match

Like Dan I'm partial tae coo pies
I chaw them up wi pleisur
Bit Willie is the best ava
He is the nation's treisure


A Glent o Granite (Aiberdeen 2023)
At nicht, the buses rin hauf teem, canned music bleats
It's taxi time as clubbers claim the streets
Sikkin siller, hunkerin, the hameless beg
The ile rigs pouer dwines, wealth on a shoogly peg

Bi day, side streets are thrang wi cars, vans, fowk
Bikers wi Deliveroo pyokes upon their backs
Missionaries in the toun haunin oot pamphlets o faith
Schule-pupils daunderin lauchin, blythe, in packs
Quines like mini barbies, in tank tops flash peintit nails
Heeze aroon MacDonalds, or Union Squar
Doos pammer on cripple taes, an scurries flee on the scraun
Fur drappit ready meals frae eaterie or bar

Ower in the Duthie Park, the bandstaun's a birdie-neuk
Farrer aff the Dee cercles the shanks o a heron, huntin fish
A pensioner on a bench, chaws on a rowie,
Haives the crumbs tae the dyeuks

Ye'll hear the claik o umpteen leids roon yer lugs
Yoruba, Hindi, Urdu, Polish, Scots
In the winter gairden, a robin flichters his feathers
Friens coorie ower scones an lattes, sharin blethers

The Rubislaw quarry keeps its lang drooned secrets
It is the nest that yieldit up oor granite biggins
We are a satty dish, wi oor spunky Doric spikk
Bit we keep oor feelins close, oor faimily closer
Licht a bonfire in oor hairts, ye'd see nae rikk

Ambulances wheech fowk aff tae wards
Washin hings in backies like weety ghaists
In auld fowks hames, bodachs are playin cairds
It takks courage tae face up tae agein

The starnies luik kindly on oor toun
The sea poors treisurs intae oor lap
Mebbe cauld's the alchemy, ahin oor speerit
In Winter we rowe up warm, step intae the Xmas mairket

Oor suburbs breed like rabbits, Roman raws an raws o hooses
In the Matty, new Aiberdonians greet the dawn
Ondings o rain owercam the drains an sluices

Students log intae the web
Like wee wyvers, catchin the flees o lear
Shire buses drive oot tae Braemar, tae Turra, New Deer
Hikers, chasin dreams
Larries birr aff tae the continent an ayont

There are skirls an applause at Pitttodrie
A surgeon boos ower a liver, cuts oot a tumour
Souls at the crematoriums are sent on their wye
An waddins are sanctifeed wi the skirl o pipes

In heich rise blocks faimilies hae birds fur neebours
In the graveyaird o the Mither Kirk
Fowk ett their denner pieces

At the eyn o the day, the sun sinks tae the boddom o the sea
A Gangrel bedds doon on yestreen's newspapers
The shaddas o the past mell intae the branches o the trees

Rick-ma-tick the trains tae the central belt
Dird ower the tracks

Unborn bairnies, wyte in the wyme tae be born
Mourners pit doon flooers upon their deid

Ye can hear the tones o a pianie in the gloamin
Ye can hear the toun hoose clock strikkin the oors

Edvard Munch wid hae seen a rizzon for bidin here
Orcas hae veesited, there are the ghaists o whalin ships with the sans

In Fitty the sea air wauchts intae the hames
San, shells, fish- scales, dulse, an driftwid
Spreid their treisurs on the strand

Kirks pynt their fingers up tae the lift
Clunk, cat-flaps lat in a prowl o kittlins

A college student's dowpit on the links
Tap-tappin on his i-phone, tint tae the warld

On scaffoldins, masons patch up agein biggins
The librars are a bield fur pensioners, bairns, the lanely


Towrists frae the cruisers in the bay
Veesit the statues, King Robert on his shelt,
The leopard, the dauncin watters in Marischal
Wallace, bi Union Terrace Gairdens
Heroes fa's tales are telt
Steeples pint tae Heiven. Ootside, coffee's selt

Scaffies clean the streets in haar an snaw
At the beach, some hardy sowels breenge inno the sea
Dolphins play at the herbour bar
Seals lollop at the mooth o the Don, sweem in its bree

Orca pods tae oor coastline are thirled
The herbour's stappit wi ships frae aa the airts
Oor port's an open yett that walcams the warld