Scots Poems From Why Give Nuts To A Man With No Teeth? Poem by Sheena Blackhall

Tae be Yersels
Dinna weigh yer guests eftir Xmas Denner
Ditch the Scottish cringe
Ett a deep fried pizza
Weir elastic waistit claes
Fart frae the side o yer bum chikks
Use irn bru as a mixer
Peel unfranked stamps frae yer mail
Takk up nyakkit tennis
Pit macaroni intae a pie
Powk yer plookson the bus
Roll yer rs wi pride
Raise the flag fur mealie puddens
Pye fur yer granny's neist tattoo
Leave yer jobbies floatin
Takk yer wallies oot tae sook strippit baas
Ping yer bogies at the dug
Share the guff frae yer oxters in the Gay Gordons
Gie Tunnocks tea cakes for a waddin present
An maist ava, spikk oot lood an prood
Wi nae a slice o pan loaf in yer mou!


For Fiona Soe Paing
Generations back her forebear wis
A Nor East balladeer fa sat on a corn kist
Weirin his tackety buits

She is dowpit on a streamlined seat
Nae guff o sharn or ferm aboot her
She's genteel, clivver, chic
Her chords hae a niche mairket
Somelike his cornkisters in the nooadays

Ahin her, a muckle photie o Forvie sans
Far a hale clachan lies beeriet

She plays eildritch souns
Like a hauf smore coronach fur the deid
Filterin up frae yestreen


Halloween Ghaisties 2019
The Duke o Cumberland rattles ooto Provost Skene's hoose
Bumbazed bi the muckle glaiss kist that stauns afore it

Robert the Bruce admires his spankin brand new statue
‘Peety they've turned ma huntin wid intae a gowf coorse'

Charles II wis pleased tae see clubs stappit wi laptop dauncers
He wis dumfounert that fowk wir pickin up dug keech
Aa his palaces wur kent as canine lavvies

A puckle witches, wizzent an birsslit
Hirple doon frae the Braid hill luikin sizzlit
Mediaeval orra luikin mochs
Fit a stammygaster tae meet the modern guizers
A heeze o makk-on zombies, ghouls an Goths!


Stanley Superman
The Superman o storytellers
Stanley zoomed atween
Aiberdeen an the States

Ae day guttin in the fish hoose
Tither, in a varsity ower the Atlantic
At hame in baith
Maister o aa his warlds

Channelin angels
Singin in a barber shop choir
Fortune tellin, storytellin
Ghaist huntin. Ballad singin
Wis there naethin this man cudnae dae?

A family man, a Morman
He'd the memory o Methuselah
Generous tae a faut
Ye've heard o the Satt o the Earth?
Stanley wis the satt!


The Globe Birls
A dominie's nails scrat doon the boord

The globe birls
The globe birls

A sodjer's corp whumps on the bluidied san

The globe birls
The globe birls

A flooer skreichs in a burst-ooterie

The globe birls
The globe birls

A shaman maens an auncient healin tune

The globe birls
The globe birls

A wee quine's feetikins pammer

The globe birls
The globe birls

Tick tock gaes the bomb on the tube

The globe birls
The globe birls

Sophokles brakks an ashet. A Greek waddin

The globe birls
The globe birls


The Gweedman's Gairden
The gweedman's gairden is a soss
It's fu o weeds an taigles
Bit aa the craiturs bidin there
Hae aa escaped frae fables

They like the gairden cause it's wud
An secret like thirsels
Alang wi nettles, dockens, thrissles
Hurcheons an harebells


Lochnagarx
I ken a cat caad Lochnagar
Fa hauntit like howf an bar

Fin bleezin fu he liked tae frolic
He deed a ragin alcoholic


Poppy Reid
Poppy reid, poppy reid
Myndin, murnin on the deid

On Jamie etten slaw bi cancer
Faither, hairt attack in sleep
Ma, a stroke in her nichtgoun
Wi MND, daith cams in a creep

On Benjy, kidneys crashed an foonert
On Jenny, killt clean bi a smash
On Charlotte-Rose…life niver stertit
On Dean, o'd on skunk an hash

On Barbara fa MS connached
On Ellie deed fin giein birth
On Sandy fas lungs stoppit wirkin
He veesits aa, his nemme is Daith


Untalented
Peints, foo they rippit ma sowel
Rinnin like sair greets
Drappin in jeeled watter


Masks
A wolf gurrs ahin't
The mask I am weirin
Makks me luik human


Feetikins
Ah feetikins, feetikins
Ma tears cudnae save
Langsyne in the grave


French beret
Here's a French beret
The Auld Alliance myndin
Oor deid Queen Marie


Yuletide x
Argy-bargy
Pass the tangie
Bubbly jock
Santie sock
Xmas pies
Thunder thighs
Diets foonert
Faithers blootert
Mistletoe
Caunle glow
Holly berry
Tom n' Jerry
Robin's cheeps
Champit neeps
Brussel sproots
Figs an fruits
Muckle dram
Biled ham
Film repeats
Girnin geats
Sair belly
Roon the telly
Trains on strike
On yer bike
Pairty hats
Fechts in flats
Xmas trees
Pipes that freeze
Pantomime
Cracker, rhyme
Wauk the mutt
Aathin's shut!


In the Green Kirkyaird ye lie
In the green kirkyaird ye lie
In the rain an snaa an sleet
I shall murn till seas rin dry
Till I've nae mair tears tae greet

Sic a bonnie bairn ye war
Ay the warld gaes birlin roon
Berry een an raven hair
Daith, the vratch, dings aa men doon

Swickit ooto bairnhood's joy
Ay the warld gaes birlin roon
Ye war reared fur derker ploys
Daith, the vratch, dings aa men doon

Sair I mull ower auld mistaks
Ay the warld gaes birlin roon
Coffin kists bring coorse hairt brakks
Daith, the vratch, dings aa men doon


Craw Taes
Craw taes, craw taes, cowped the English shelts
Craw taes, craw taes, gaed English riders welts
Craw taes, craw taes, dinged prood Edward doon
Craw taes, craw taes, saved King Robert's croon


The Gift that keeps on Giein
The gift that keeps on giein, ma granmither's spikk
Poored inno ma lugs fin I wis knee heich tae a chunty
Ma faither an mither spakk it, ilkie uncle an aunty
Claikit in Doric…the wirds ran aboot the hoose
Like littlins, blethered aroon the ingle
I heard them in ilkie sang, poem, story an jingle

Oot in ma kinsmen's parks, thon braw wirds
Named ma warld…kye, shelts, yowes, dyeuks
Lear nae gotten in buiks..Byre an sharn an corn
Steadins an cottar hooses far birns o bairns wir born

At Halloween we scoored the hoose till gleamin
At Hogmanay the drams wir fulled tae reamin
Yule wis a tangie powked at the fit o a sock
An auld hen wi skirlie stappit up its dock

I hae hoardit the wirdslike a hairst
Tho ithers hae dane it better
Doric, close as a hairt beat in poem an letter

Imagine a shelt at a ferm show
Scots as a cuddy. Ile its hooves richt weel
Ithers may cock a snoot,gie oor leid the hee haw
Lat them. We ken it's braw. Caimb oot its taigles
It's steppin oot wi rosettes an sheenin braisse
Step forrit Doric, bow tae the kintra's press
An at the forefront mynd an pit the young
Fur they are the future champions o the Mither Tongue


3 poems bi Ryokan owersett in Scots

1. Early simmer- floatin doon a caller rinnin burn in a timmer boat
A bonnie quine doucely plays wi a crammosie lotusflooer
Held in her fite hauns
The day growes mair an mair skinklin
Young cheils play alang the shore
A shelt rins bi the sauchs
Watchin quaet, spikkin tae naebody
The bonnie quine disnae shaw that her hairt is brukken


2. Waukin alang a nerra path at the fit o a Ben
I cam tae an auncient kirkyaird stappit wi countless heidstanes
An thoosan year auld aiks an pines
The day is eyndin wi a lanely maenin win
The nemmes on the stanes are aathegither dwined
Even their kinsmen canna mynd fa they war
Smored bi greetin, nae able tae spikk
I takk ma cromack an gyang hame


3.Late at night, lippenin tae the winter rain
Myndin on ma youth
Wis it anely a dwaum? Wis I really young aince?


A Hymn tae Yalla
Van Gogh's sunflooers on a clinic waa
A daud obutter new churned ooto milk
The pyson dreepin frae an aidder's fangs
The reid an yalla dragon, Chinese silk
A daisy's face wi petals aa aroon
A starnie glentin in the derk meenlicht
The yalla ochre on a peinter's brush
A yalla yeitie coories ooto sicht


A Wee Souvenir
Is it a moose? Is it a rat?
Wi a wheech o the tail
It is Padme the cat!

Cheengin herself intae sherp cleukit claws
Huntin the birdies in reid hips an hawes

Is it a moose? Is it a rat?
Wi a wheech o the tail
It is Padme the cat!


Beinn an t-sidhean, Strathyre
Dae ye like the nemme men gie ye?
Mebbe ye'd rather be caad Boaty McBoatface?
Priscilla or Erchie or Shuggie?

I hope ye dinna mind me glowerin at ye
We hinna even bin introduced
It's nae as if ye can shift
Fin fowk invade yer space
Dinna be feart. I'm far ower auld tae sclimm ye

I dinna ken foo ye can thole
These wintry mornins wioot a sark or semmit


Caledonian Antisyzygy Callander
Heard steppin ooto a car
‘Thanks fur the hurl, hen
See ye next wikkeyn'
A smile, a wink
The car drives aff

His hale luik cheenges…'F.... witch'
He gurrs, fulls his mou wi a gob
Spits it ontae a bonnie peony rose
A richt bampot
A maist ungrateful scunner

She maun be desperate, ken
Tae takk up wi a midden amang men


Daith takks the Bonnie Robin
Daith takks the bonnie robin
Hetakks the Heids o State
An spit o ony priggin,
He'll takk ye sune, or late

The corbie in the cornpark
The leddy in her haa
The singer, the celebrity
He wheechs them aa awa

Daith takks the bonnie robin
Hetakks the Heids o State
An spit o ony priggin,
He'll takk ye sune, or late


Embro tree spikks oot
A wee bird telt me
Some trees in the kintra
Growe fariver they please
Whit widd Embro be like
If we aa tried thon gemme?
Traffic in a snorrel
Leaves aawey
Scaffies' vans nae able tae lift the rubbish
Nae natural, is it?
An the same bird telt me
Naebody iver trims their branches either
They maun luik like
A richt bunch o tossers in a gale
Like thon Europeans
That niver shave their oxters

Us Embro trees
We're cut fur the minimal luik
Like a Mondrian peintin in timmer
Ae wee daud o greenery
On oor croon…the ultimate Zen
Oor trunks are fur wee dugs tae pee on
An poets tae screive aneth
Withoot gettin etten bimidgies
Civilised, ye ken?

I've even heard there's places in this warld taen ower bi trees
miles an miles o them
Thon's fit I caa anarchy
Thon's widlan sprawl
Overpopulation spreids disease

Naebody's gaun tae elbow ME
Aff Princes Street.Ye can keep yer kintra copse
Nae bluidy stag's gaunt tae teir the bark aff MY back
Landseer or nae Landseer
Ma place is in the toon aside the park


Loch Builig
The lang greet o a whaup abune the muir
The bizz o a wechtit hinneybee in simmer
A pudduck parpin deep amang the seggs
Ten thoosan years o clouds an heath an watter


Nor east culture ye ken
Nae bosyin or clartin kisses on strangers
Nae oxterin up fowk like tv presenters
A nod o the heid. ‘Mphm' or ‘Aye' we say
The wye we say it spikks volumes
Nor East Culture, ye ken


Renamin Deeside
Cauld comfort howe
The pammerin puil
The dyeuk heidit linn
The tippeny dooker
The hudderie muir
The breengin Burnie
The Ben o the erne's wings
Lang Sandy's pathie
The glen o the whigmaleeries
The stammygaster cliffs
The eildritch fiddler's knowe


There was a young man from Strathyre
There was a young man frae Strathyre
Fa luiked like his heid wis on fire
He'd near scoored it raw, fin he happened tae faa
In a boorich o sharn in the byre