School Anxiety Poem by Naomi Harris

In school, this is my thought process
I wish that someone would get this
So here is your chance to witness
First things first walk in with a smile
Bright expression, imagine walking down the aisle
Maybe one day it will be real but as for now
Put on a happy face, look proud
Eyes up, facing the crowd
Even when you feel so fake like a clown
Pretend to be a princess, wearing your crown.
Puffing up your chest and the fake rich kid dress
You work hard to coordinate your outfit
But it seems only two people notice
I just want a love that is devoted
Unconditional, unrestricted
Something comforting
But re-focus, realign
You're in school draw the line
In biology the teacher dumps information
I look through a microscope, I'm done can't take it.
That's how I feel on the daily basis
Studied and inspected
I try to pull my mind back
Focus on the lesson.
Well, the bell rings, another class unproductive
Maybe one day I will retain something
We move to US History
Again the teacher sarcastically remarks he missed me
Then he marks me as tardy
Once again, once again
Learning about wars, the blood never ends
You see the pain disease
You learn about the cotton gin and geography
But the notes I'm having to copy
Workbook pages are due before the test
I never get the time to breathe to rest
I set my pencil down
My hand I stretch
It cramps and hurts
I feel my heart speed up it burns
My legs continue to bounce and jerk
My mind can't rest and continues to work.
Go go go
Keep on selling your show
You don't get to pause or slow
Bell rings
In Spanish, I go
"Puedo ir al baño por favor? "
The first question on the daily
He responds "Si" with a nod
I head that way gratefully
The 4-minute break I get
His kindness I won't forget
As soon as I get there
I sit on the floor
I tap on the wall and count
1,2,3,4
I work to relax but the bell rings, gotta head back
I enjoy learning a new language
Maybe one day I will make it
Out of this area and maybe this could be of use
Then see one of my friends
I wonder if their smile is real
I want one, so I replicate, I steal
I can't wait to have genuine joy
I'm sitting at lunch with my group of boys
Blue, Red, Chicago
Around them, my heart shows.
I genuinely have a glow
I love being with me and the bros
I want them around when I'm old
Sometimes our conversations grow cold.
But the laughs, and truth is bold.
We don't have shame in what we say
Lunch is always the highlight of my day.
Maybe one day that will change
But for now, it will stay the same
They almost numb the pain
Or give me joy


Sometimes I wish I was a boy

Maybe then I wouldn't be a toy
Bell rings off to the locker rooms
I hate changing in front of you
All the girls see my body
Some get jealous but I don't know how I make them feel
All I know is I feel like I steal
Some joy from them
But in the end, its their power they give
Out on the field
High knees, sprints, fast, no resting
I get done stretching
I'm out of my head
I'm free now, I know I'm physically strong
In weights, I'm the king, no pawn.
I do my explosive lifts without a care
Starting to sweat, putting up my hair
This one hour can't be stolen, not shared
I don't sit down, lighter than the air
My heart is racing
My breathing and uneven pacing
Heart racing
In this room, loud music and the smell of sweat
On the paper, I write down my max
My best
My body so tired needing to rest
I fly down the steps
Hurry and change
Fragrance refresh
Deodorant and perfume
I run down the hall to the wood room
Another fun class
Getting to express
My artistic ability
I wonder one day if maybe you will see
The deep meaning behind all of these
So much emotional connection
So much pain represented
But it's just a block
Just a box
Getting sucked into the smell
The stain and the wood
Trees, cut down and used
I feel they are misunderstood
Someone should hold them
I am the one who could
Out of my depression
I hear the bell
Time to run
Up five flights of stairs
Some see my hustle and stair
I can't care
Accelerated English 2 classroom
Environment a breath of fresh air
So much information was thrown my way
I sit there, type it out
A glance at the clock
Counting down the minutes
20 minutes left
I feel the grip tighten in my chest
10 almost done
She tells us our homework for tonight
Bell rings
I run
Sprint out the doors.
I catch Lester at the bike rack
Give him a hug
See Darrion with all the other girls
I look at his curls
I do his hair in the morning
One day he will notice
How much I cared
I sometimes run out the doors to look
Glance around
See the crowd
Kids going home to their parents
But where are mine
I always yell at Aime to get to the cab
I slide into the back
We sit and talk, give feedback,
However, anxiety stays
This is just a description of some of my school days.
Not to mention the ones after counseling
Having to go in the next day and concealing
All my feelings
Shoved down
Like a person being drowned
Suffocating
Silently baiting
Bribing myself to smile
So I smoke once in a while
Bathroom breaks
Few and far between
But those somehow stabilized me
Brain being fuzzy
Hands stop shaking
Able to breathe
Just for one quick moment
Doesn't last long for me
Not to mention nights without sleep
Working to relax
Tossing and turning
My chest so tight
Sour and hurting
Just the daily process
Questioning insomnia
Anti-hypersomnia
All the technical words
I wonder how to get my message through
What will work?
How to make you comprehend
My anxiety brings me to an end
Can't eat
Can't sleep
I wish one day you could see
Me, who I am even with my school anxiety
Maybe you never will so I will sit quietly
All these pill bottles
Look at the varieties
So inviting
Pop 1,2,3
Will this be the end of me
Medication is supposed to help
Why won't it calm me down?
God forbid I frown
I smile, letting my feelings go round
Around in a circle
In a prison
They say it is my decision
To be happy or to be sad
These statements only make me ma
Cut like an incision
None of you will see my new self
The revision
Can you even envision?
See yourself in a different light?
A place where your chest is not so tight?
Neither can I
Sadly I stay in the same place
No face no case
No one can run my race
Running for me they chase
You see damaged and replace
Just looking for a loving embrace
I listen to music turn up the bass
Look at the simple beauty
Flowers, a broken vase
I know I am a disgrace
The footsteps I retrace
Back to where I noticed it hurt the most
Where all the expectations got out of hand
Maybe one day I can plan
Not depend on any man
Independence without regret
A woman you respect
Not a typical teen with school anxiety
But a woman who has the power to change society
That will be, I dare you to try me.