You Know It's Not About The Poetry When Poem by JAMES T. ADAIR

The unsolicited letter reads:
1) Hi....I don't know you from Adam. Please rate my poem
so I can climb in the ratings and feel important
2) Hi....I'm a complete stranger...Please rate my poem and I'll be happy to rate yours in a sort of unspoken prid pro quo arrangement
3) Hi....I'm a complete stranger and I think my poems are the greatest things since sliced bread. Please read and rate my latest gem (however It's an uspoken rule that any rating less than a 10 is unacceptable)
4) Hi...I'm a complete stranger...You don't konw me from Adam. However your recent poem '.........' was so touching and reminded me of my poem '-'. If you would read mine I'll be very happy to do the same for you
5) Hi.....I'm a complete stranger but I make a habit of sending individualized letters to 50 people per day so they will feel obligated to read and rate my poems.....which I really regard as works of art....(though I write only when so inspired) . The several false identities I've created also agree and have given me 10's as well as the vacant computers after the office clears out after 5 PM. My relatives also agree..
6) What.....you're not a believer of supporting other poet's work who we regard as part of the Poem Hunter 'Family' (sorry....give me a break....this one makes me choke! !)

-or-

7) You belive every rating youI give is absolutely honest. It's just a fluke that they are all 10's and you go into hysterics if anyone rates you lower than a 10
8) You look in the mirror each morning and say 'who's the fairest of them all? '
9) You get extremely bent out of shape if someone is in computer science at a college and climbs to the top in ratings...after all the derierre kissing you've done in the past year to achieve your overrated position
10) You get frustrated at how much time you spend worrying and rating my own poems that my creative juices stopped flowing months ago
11) You see a newbie online and you rate their first poem a 10 (as a habit) and then you fire off a form letter to everyone else online at the moment to read your latest poetic wonder
12) You insist to all that you're on the up and up
13) You pat yourself on the back for discovering that you can ask strangers to read 2 or 3 new poems....instead of just one
14) You begin to refer to your poems as your 'children'
15) You begin telling people you're a poet at social gatherings
16) If someone complains about your loathsome self-promotion you claim it's a cultural difference
17) You encourage all to solicit reviews.....though you realize if all followed this advice we'd have 3000 reviews per day.....which you brush off as a formality
18) The last three poems you wrote were slamming someone who 'cheated you' in the ratings
19) You mass mail request to read your latest 'gift to the world' to Anyone and Everyone...who ever reviewed a poem of yours
20) Even after they've banned you, keep them on your mailing list.
21) You knew I was talking about you after point number 3 but your vanity dictated that you read these to the end
22) Now you're sure I'm talking about you but you're in denial
23) You've been already thinking of a cute compliment to throw others off your tracks...but TOO LATE...they've got your number already... but don't want to ruin the flattering compliments and 10's you give to all
24) You understate your actual age
25) You consider yourself an artist more than a poet
26) Three or more of the above apply (not counting Tweeter)
27) You accidentally send a form letter to yourself or your alias
28) Your coffee cups have poetic inscriptions
29) You get stumped trying to find a word that rhyms with 'poetry'
30) Your haiku's begin to get repetitive
31) Your parrot commits hari kari
32) Your poem on the Top 500 is ranked ahead of Shakespeare and you're sending thank you letters about your success to your cronies
33) You consider harlotry to improve your popularity
34) It backfires! !
35) You publish several revisions to the same poem and do this for most of your poems
36) You lose sleep over ratings
37) You're sure your Goldfish gave you the finger!
38) You find yourself lying in bed with the laptop
39) When the site crashes you fear they're on to you
40) You decided at point 25, you'd better lay low for a while