Why Do I Cry? Poem by Alexa Castillo

I cry because his last days were blurry

No sense, no life.

He was in a coma on his final days on Earth.

He was not able to talk,

He was not able to open his eyes,

He was not able to breathe on his own.

*

I cry because he was in pain.

He grew weak in a span of just months.

He was no longer the man he used to be.

Now he was visibly fragile.

Although he was a fighter until the end,

his drive and strength disappeared along with his body mass.

The energy that was once there, was all gone now.

*

I cry because he didn’t get to see my graduate.

He did not get to see me succeed in life.

He did not get to see me, my siblings, or my cousins get married and have kids.

*

I cry because the last hug I gave him

that he was able to return was four months ago.

Too long ago.

I cry because I will never get to hug him again.

*

I cry because I will miss dancing with him,

I will miss listening to music with him.

I will miss seeing him those late nights

drinking wine or scotch with just a splash of water on the patio.

I will miss his jokes and his sense of humor.

I will miss his scent and his smile.

I will miss him.

*

I cry because his last functional day was not just any day,

it was his 52nd anniversary with my grandmother.

Exactly one month after his birthday.

I did not call on time to speak to him that day,

And I should have.

*

I cry because I am scared.

I am scared for my grandma.

She is a strong woman,

but who will she spend time with?

Who will she sleep next to?

Who will keep her company?

How will she get money,

besides the one that was left for her?

I cry because it broke my heart, to sit there at the wake once everyone left.

It was just me and my sister leaning against her, in the cold room.

Everything was quiet and still.

What would happen when we left back home,

Would she feel as lonely as we felt at that moment?

*

During his younger years

Up to when the chemo began to take over,

He was a man full of energy, drive and vision.

Qualities which I am proud to say and believe he passed down to me.

I know he is expecting the best from us.

His death has created a hole in my heart,

But it has also reinforced my drive to work extra hard and never let him down.

I would like for him to see that his granddaughter

carries the same will and determination he once carried with him.

*

I considered my grandfather one of my most important role models.

I looked up to him and admired him.

He was an extraordinary and honorable man.

Today makes two weeks since he passed away.

I am still in shock and find it difficult to believe or accept.

I cannot believe he will no longer be there when I get to Dominican Republic.

*

But even though I cry, I also smile.

I smile because he is now in a better place and no longer suffering.

He does not have to deal with the pain of lung, prostate and bone cancer.

I smile because he is now looking over all of us.

I smile because he lived a great life during his 76 years on Earth.

I smile because he made an impact on many lives, and created a legacy.

I smile, because although he is gone, I was a lucky girl to be able to have that man as my grandfather.

I love you Abuelito. ♥