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mistery person


why can't i be special


I want to be perfect
I want it so bad
why do you deny me my one wish
I don't ask for much
I'm not mean
I don't throw tantrums
though sometimes I wish
I fantasize of standing up
of throwing a tantrum to get my way
but instead I sit and smile
I smile a lot
I don't mean to
I just do
sometimes for joy
on those rare moments
those times I feel light
the heavy burdens lifted for a short while
but most of the time I smile
because all I want is for others to be happy
And i know
i know that if they see
the things that have taken years for me to hide
they wont trust me
they wont love me
they will hate me
they will be scared of me
and i cant take that
i cant have the people i love gone
worse than gone i suppose
having them right in front of me
with in arms reach
and having them ignore me
look at me as if i were the stranger
why then do you still bid me of my only desire
do you also hate me?
cant someone just feel pity on me
is that so hard?
no i don't want that really
i don't want people to pity me
i want them to love me
respect me
i want only to please
to serve
to be someone that is special
special not mental
that's what they all call me
crazy
mental
insane
they joke about it
they think because i smile back that its okay
every time i smile i hurt
i hurt so much
a coldness spreads out from my heart
it scares me
i don't like it
i want it to stop
but it follows me
i know what it wants
but i cant
i cant

i just want to fit in
to be loved
i want TO love
is that so hard?
i want to walk in a room of family and not have them
have them stare at me
the look they give
i think about those eyes
i dream about them
those cold non-forgiving eyes

i want to be special

Submitted: Friday, March 22, 2013

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