What If Columbus Was A Really Nice Fella? (A Riff) Poem by David McLansky

We bargained hard for Mississippi
To be the Country line,
Iowa was furious
And said the West was mine,
No one wanted Florida
Except the Seminole,
A land of snakes and crocodiles,
If the truth be told;
The Mexicans waged a brutal war
Against The Gathering of Tribes,
They had a tiff with Ferdinand
When Cochise refused a bribe;
Marijuana became the chief export
Of Idaho to the East;
The tonnage was in Clark's Report
Who got The Munchies at a feast;
The Revolution petered out
In the cluttered colonies,
Jefferson moved to Australia,
Where the Aborigines were free;
Newark became the Capital
Of the Western British Isles
Lincoln became a shoe salesman
Famous for his smile.