What Happened Poem by Harrison Bishop

I used to wake up and want to cry,
I used to start living in the hope I'd die,
But in the end you were my friend,
And in the end, these words I'll send to you,
To let you know, I'm sorry I screwed up,
We had something special, I should have treated you like you were royal
Instead I treated you like you were soil,
I walked all over you, and eventually tensions boiled,
I say it like it's a joke,
But I was living on air and wishing I'd choke,
Everyday for a year and a half,
I hope one day we can talk honestly and laugh
About what happened.

At one point we didn't speak for a while,
And before that it had been longer since I'd seen you smile,
But then I saw you and him, I saw that sign,
I said hi, he seemed fine, but deep down again I wanted to die,
But it seems, you're finally with someone who will treat you right,
Then a few weeks later I was talking to you,
I said it was a friend sending certain messages but that's not true,
I feel so bad, I didn't mean to intrude,
I didn't intend for it to seem so rude,
I felt hard done by,
I'm such a hypocrite,
Sometimes I wonder why I even try,
And why you put up with all of it,
But I'm still unsure how you feel
About what happened

I hated how I'd lie, you'd lie, we'd both lie to our friends and ourselves,
Saying how things were good when really we should have stopped it before it began,
Just left it on the shelf,
I'd said it again and again,
I knew it was inevitable, you getting hurt but they say ignorance is bliss,
Not that I'm saying your ignorant, it's just that did you see any other outcome for this?
I had tried to protect you, though I'm still not saying I'm the good guy,
But pressure from mutual friends pushed us head first,
And don't get me wrong, I loved you, loved you so much I'd cry,
But at times we were barely holding on, and just about to burst,
I just really want to know what you think,
About what happened