Aria Siren


Unsaid-A Haiku


Lips restrain floodgates
Whitewashed graves holding secrets
Blood behind a smile

Submitted: Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Edited: Tuesday, March 05, 2013

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  • Rookie - 0 Points Søren Valentine (4/10/2013 7:59:00 AM)

    Well Mark basically summed up everything so very nicely. His critique of the third line was literally exactly what I was going to say. The whole haiku is excellent! And you say you're rubbish at writing haikus eh. Fibs. (Report) Reply

  • Rookie - 33 Points Sandy Player (3/5/2013 3:03:00 PM)

    1st line: the hint of force, the opposition of wills. It makes the lips seem white tight and angered and also slightly twitchy and nervous at the natural force of desire to express (nice that the picture uses water; recognised as a basic natural phenomanon and necessity) . And the water, it reminds me of tears and i wonder wether the eyes are also restraining the unconstrainable flood.

    2nd line: a great metaphor in that it has a double meaning. That further adds to the mystery of the word secrets that you use in the 2nd part of the line. And holding; i overlooked the word the first times i read this, but it evokes a short motion image (motion given by your use of the present progressive tense) of a deceased grave robber who has climbed out of his grave to steal more secrets down into his grave. It's growing darker this here poem.

    3rd line: and then the last line. It's almost sad that it is the last line you know? blood behind a smile. Blood. A n odd sort of thing that signifies life and death at the same time and here it is as if it represents the living blood re-energising dead and buried things to burst from your mouth and at the same time there is stuff dying within you that wishes to have a public funeral; not a quiet cremation where ashes are forgotten and spread where they lost. And of course that smile; that face; that upturned crescent cut inti your face. It hurts you and numbs others to your pain.

    So very rich haiku you have written on putting a face on things; that interesting ive devoted 1/48th of my day to thinking about it. Impressive... (Report) Reply

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