Truffle Archie Poem by Herbert Nehrlich

Young Archie's problem was the size
of his gigantic nose,
the midwife did not realise
that even one of those
could cause much unexpected strife
much worse than any breech,
when Archie thought he'd get a life
he seemed so out of reach.
Her skilled and clever bony hands
were searching for the boy,
a birth is tricky and demands
that on does not annoy
the Goddess of all new creation,
and speed is of the essence.
So to avoid an operation,
which scares us simple peasants,
one can't quite dilly or dally.

So back to unborn baby Archie,
the midwife's name was Auntie Sally,
she wore a uniform so starchy
that, when she stripped for bed at night,
it stood all by itself and served
as a deterrent, giving fright
to Peeping Toms who had the nerve
to hang around and get their kicks.
Aunt Sally was a high-skilled nurse
who knew all of obstretrics' tricks
and rarely did she see a hearse.

Well, now the situation changed,
the stethoscope reported trouble.
A pulse would be declared 'deranged',
at under ninety, 'on the double! '
yelled Sally, elbows both inside.
And now, at last she felt his nose
and told the patient 'open wide',
and 'push again, I think he owes
a very quick, successful ride,
I've never been in so much strife'.
And now a giant fleshy hook
(the father fainted near his wife) ,
which Sally pulled and yanked, it took
all of her strength to set him free.
Then he was out and started crying,
the others laughed, they all could see,
that with this monster he'd be eyeing
the great divide between the two.
Because it was of such dimension,
that, if it ever further grew
it would require intervention.

Young Archie lived in Southern France,
he did love life and was accepted.
Although they wouldn't let him dance,
(it was a truce and well he kept it) ,
he did like music, did the shuffles
at home on his big wine estate,
his wealth grew through the local Truffles,
it was his birthright and his fate
to go out into wild boar's plains,
there point his sniffer to the ground,
the yield would then require chains
and six strong Clydesdales, homeward bound.
He soon amassed enormous riches
and all because he had a nose.
Some said he had betrayed his britches,
but Archie said: 'It's God who chose.'