Tomorrow [determination To Get Success] Poem by Hira Akhtar

Blessings Hira. I always appreciate the enthusiasm of our young poets but I believe that, as all aspiring writers they wish to learn and improve. In this spirit, I offer you my humble opinions and critique. Please take that which you need and disregard the rest as the ramblings of an old fossil. Firstly, although I love rhyme, it has it's place. Do not force yourself to seek a rhyme at the end of each line. In fact, this is known as Forced rhyme and can be a grievous fault. Secondly, as you have chosen rhyming couplets, the repetitive phrase Tomorrow may be or may not be becomes superfluos and interrupts your message. Peace and success in all you do.

Hira, story'd be...............story would, should, could..........be? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i agree with comment left by TV Jones, that a poet may force a rhyme to the detriment of the poem, e.g. its meaning. that said, i don't know that i can (OR WANT TO) judge which, if any, of your rhymes are forced. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Tomorrow may be for you, a lee all the sorrows and worries will flee Tomorrow may be for you, a lee .....if you are going to put a comma after you, i suggest you also put a comma in front of for. otherwise i would not use a comma after you. i liked this couplet quite a bit, but i had to look up the definition of lee to know that it works well here. it seems to fit very well; i am not very familiar with the word lee. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Tomorrow may be for sheer felicity, harbinger You've to aim your goals pulling trigger - - defintion of harbinger, from online: harbinger har·bin·ger h??b?n??/ noun plural har·bin·gers [count]: something that shows what is coming — usually + of ? The warm weather is a harbinger of spring. ? Is this news a harbinger of better days to come? ? a harbinger of death/doom - - .....GIVEN THE DEFINITION of harbinger, i would suggest writing the following line differently. YOUR WAY: Tomorrow may be for sheer felicity, harbinger MY WAY: Tomorrow may be, OF sheer felicity, A harbinger. i have capitalized to make clearer how i changed the line. i used commas in front of and after of sheer felicity. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - HIRA, I COPIED THE FOLLOWING RULES FOR USING COLONS [: ] AND SEMICOLONS [; ] from online: Semicolon & Colon Rules Semicolon Used to Join Two Complete Sentences Example 1: Mary ate dinner; the dinner tasted exquisite. Example 2: By age 15, Ivan had cooked 300 meals; by age 20, he had cooked twice that amount. Semicolon Used with Words Like 'however and Phrases Like for example Example 1: Mary ate dinner; however, she was hungry an hour later. Example 2: Mary's dinner was made with several spices; for example, the chicken was sprinkled with Cayenne pepper. Semicolon Used to Clarify a List of Items When Each Item has Punctuation Within Itself Mary's favorite dinner foods are chicken, with Cayenne pepper; salad, with Italian dressing; toast, with garlic and butter; and soup, with scallions, cheese, and mushrooms. Colon Used to Further Explain or Introduce a List Further Explanation with Two Sentences: Mary's dinner reminded her of the back yard: both contained many wonderful colors and smells. Further Explanation with a List: Mary's dinner consisted of the following: salad, soup, chicken, and toast. Further Explanation with a Quotation: The words Ivan spoke were very kind: Mary, I made this dinner especially for you, dear. Colon Used with Ratios, Titles and Subtitles of Books, City and Publisher in Bibliographies, Hours and Minutes, and Formal Letters Ratio: Mary's ratio of carbohydrate intake to protein was 3: 1. Titles and Subtitles: Mary enjoys reading the book Tastebud Heaven: Homemade Meals for the Distinguished Palette. City and Publisher in Bibliography: New York: Norton,1999 Hours and Minutes: Mary ate dinner at 9: 12. Formal Letters: Dear Editor: [end of rules] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - HIRA, in the following lines Get ready for tomorrow These rules you must follow; you use a SEMICOLON where i think i would use a COLON. SEE THE RULE WHICH I COPY HERE: RULE: Colon Used to Further Explain or Introduce a List so, HIRA, you are introducing a list of rules, right? ALSO, i would use commas or semicolons (probably semicolons) between each of YOUR RULES, to make the reading of them easier and clearer. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - hira, you use a lot of words which i have rarely if ever used. that is not a complaint. i don't have as large a vocabulary as a lot of poemhunter members probably have. BUT i have survived 65 years with the words i know! :) bri - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - in the lines: Pay gratitude before your lord[Allah Almighty], only bow go to Him in weal and woe I would put a PERIOD or a comma and AND after gratitude. i would NOT put the comma after [Allah Almighty]. and i would put a period or a semicolon after only bow. some places [WHERE YOU HAVEN'T] i would use periods to indicate the ends of sentences and capitalize the first word in the sentences. it SEEMS as though you are inconsistent in following these normal rules of sentence construction for prose, though i realize some poets (many poets) use different methods when writing poetry. poetic license? ? ? ? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - why do you use the word weal? maybe i did not find the definition you used or maybe you used the wrong word or worded the sentence in such a way that i don't understand you. OK....i looked some more (at different sites online) and found two definitions. one DOES fit well in your poem. the other one does not! guess which one i found first. the definitions for WEAL which i found: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Definition of WEAL 1 : a sound, healthy, or prosperous state: well-being - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 2 weal noun Definition of WEAL : welt - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - weal1 wel/ noun noun: weal; plural noun: weals; noun: wheal; plural noun: wheals 1. a red, swollen mark left on flesh by a blow or pressure. Medicine an area of the skin that is temporarily raised, typically reddened, and usually accompanied by itching. [the 2nd and 3rd definitions are the same ] - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - well, i hope some of this helps you, Hira. your friend, bri :)

A wonderful energy moves through this poem with Hira's clear vision of the possibities of the future, in all of their manifestations! -Mishk Allport-Fortaleza, Brasil

Yes may Allah bles us. This had excelent rhyming. Nice epic style. Enjoyd yor selfmotivation.

thank you so much all... ;) and i seek the grace of both Allah and His Prophet Hazrat Muhammad S.A.W

Thank you for sharing this poem, Hira. very well thought out and written. Happy tomorrows Peace

powerful but smooth, your poem represent great spirit of life the rhyme sound perfect and i love it thanks for sharing this magnificent poem

A good determination to face the uncertain, future. I liked it.

thank u sir for your kind compliment :)

great poem and message of determination