The Jeremy Kyle Show (A British Phenomenon) Poem by Paul Butters

“Good morning and welcome to The Jeremy Kyle show. Today we meet a family in torment. First up we meet Lucy. She accuses her partner Jason of sleeping with her best friend Ingrid. We have to balance this: Jason doesn’t trust her and wants a DNA test on their children. Here’s Lucy on the show guys...

Hello sweet, are you okay?

Let’s unravel this story and get the detail. Please take us through it in your own words. Let’s cut to the chase and nail this.

Today is massive for you. Big day for you.

How many times has he hit you? I never condone violence on this show. Where I come from, men don’t hit women.
He hasn’t met me yet!
Jason’s on...And Ingrid...

Button it! Wind your neck in. It’s my name on the wall...
You’re all me, me, me. Woe is me!
Stop giving it on a plate.
You look worn down and in pieces.
Kids having kids...Back to this again, have none of you heard of contraception?
You should have put something on the end of it...

I have three daughters myself... I ring my mum every day.
My brother did drugs too.

We’ll do the lie detector results first...
Apart from the 500 men we already know about, have you....?
As you know sexual contact is anything between a passionate kiss and sexual intercourse.
Let’s do those all important DNA results.

This is not a relationship, it’s a nightmare.
Sad lack of communication here.
What matters is the child at the centre of all this.
Let’s bring Graham, the genius, onto the show.
In layman’s terms explain to me....

Let’s draw a line in the sand on this.
...And above all, thank you all for watching at home.”

Producer: A good pilot-run Jess, but next time I suggest
You let the guests say something. I think it’ll work quite well then.

Written and (C) 18\4\2008.