The Battle To Close My Eyes Poem by David Knox

I shut my eyes and shut them tight
This doesn't feel right
This can't be right

Why do you close your eyes?
What do you think you can do?
You think everything will just come to you?
This doesn't feel right
It can't be right

Shut my eyes harder
Close my ears
I cant hear
I cant see
This doesn't feel right
How can it be right?

Don't stop
Don't open
Don't give up
Don't
Just don't
This feels wrong
How could this pain be right?

Hey, hey you open your eyes
Stop it, I cannot
Boy, you're a fool open your eyes! You're not blind
You're your own man!
Boy live your life
Open your eyes, what can you find as you are?
This hurts
Do I trust what I feel or do I do what I know?

Boy you can't find her like this
Boy you're stubborn and puritanical
Boy you don't know a thing about life
Boy you're a fool
Don't be foolish
You, you're, you're wrong
NO! You're wrong, look at yourself you're a mess
This doesn't feel right
It can't be right

Boy you said it yourself this ISNT right
You were MADE to feel this way
This, THIS is who you are
Don't run from destiny
Stop hiding behind your excuses
Will you just sit here and wait?
Is that what He would will?
Does He love to see you suffer like this? Doesn't He LOVE you? !
No, no, I won't trust my feelings, but this doesn't feel right
It can't be right

How can you find her when your eyes are closed
How can you grow with your hands tied behind your back
Don't you understand grace?
Don't you understandd love?
Must I teach in these simple doctrines
How far have fallen my son
Boy you're just a boy, a spiritual babe.
Stop making excuses you're not even waiting
It baffles you so easily decieve yourself

Boy, accept your destiny
Become who you are
NO!
I will wait
I will save everything for her!
I, I......
And how is that going for you?
These feelings, if you're not made for them, then what are you?

Unfaithful
Unloyal
Unloving
Unable
You're waiting? ! HAH you're impatient
And how is it going for you?

You call that love? !
You call that devotion? !
Will she be pleased that you 'waited'
You gave your heart to so many, what will she think?
You can't do this, you cannot succeed without Christ, you know that
You cannot suceed He isn't with you, because you're wrong

Is this idea of purity? !
Is this your idea of faithfulness? !
Is this your idea of WAITING
You cannot do this
And apparently, boy, you're too weak and proud to take rebuke

Why won't you learn? !
OPEN YOUR EYES
You should not do this
Remember your first love

OPEN YOUR EYES
STOP WAITING
GO!

NO! I won't do it, you're wrong it's.... it's all lies
This, this is how it's supposed to be
I will seek God
I will close my eyes
I will not open them
I will not search
I will wait
I,
I will
I will do
I will do what
I will do what He
I will do what He wills.
Seek ye first the kingdo.... FOOL! You pretend to know His will? !

Foolish and naive CHILD, you are full of sin
Fool you are a lustful being
Fool you compromised with sin and it's taking you over
You fool do you know nothing of scripture
When you burn with passion it is better that you marry!
FOOL, do you know nothing of devotion
I'd rather you sin than be luke-warm
You fool you pretend to know HIM
You fool you pretend to love HIM
You pretend to serve HIM
but I KNOW who you are
I know who you REALLY are inside
Your heart is evil, you're wicked!

No, no I'm righteous!

Righteous? Romans 3: 23 kid
You're not righteous
You're a sinner
You're drowning in your sin
Drowning in your lust
You cannot do this
You cannot win
Stop acting apart from Him
Enjoy your life
Enjoy the gift He gave you
Why do you squander this? !
Why do you hate yourself?
I think I know
You're not living how you were made to live
Where is your joy?
You have taken it away with your petty rules
With your religious nonsense that makes you believe that
You cannot love
And in doing so
You
You have become
WICKED

No for there is no longer any condemnation for those who are in Christ!

You think that's a valid response YOU FOOL
There is a cup of wrath reserved for adulterers like you
What makes you think you're in Christ?
What makes you think you're saved? !
Judge a man by his fruit
Your fruit
If you can call it fruit
Is lust, evil, desire, wickedness, self-loathing, cynicism, doubt
You make yourself drunk with your sins
You attempt to recompense with Christian clubs
You feel better by memorizing verses
But you're evil
You cannot hide from your sin
You're not repenting
Come back

NO you're wrong I repented God loves me? !

You did not repent, your actions would change
I bet you that you lusted while having this conversation
You're not loved

You're a liar from satan God ALWAYS love us.

Your lack of faith, understanding, and wisdom is baffling to me.
Don't you know that your sins make you far from the Lord
How can He give you His love when your sin is in the way
No you're too far gone
I see you're too stubborn to receive this rebuke
I'm praying for you

No you're wrong
God does not condemn me
God loves me no matter what!
You're wrong I will wait for her with all of my heart

(So that's why you lust, every month, every week, every night)

SHUT UP, you cannot buldgeon me with my failures
I'm a new creation in Christ

Are you? Are you really? you? ! lustful, you? ! sinful, you? ! stubborn
You? ! of all people

No In the NAME OF JESUS CHRIST GO AWAY
I will wait for her, God will give me the strength
My failures do not define who I am
He has given me an identity you cannot shake
No one can
I'm more than my lust, I'm a son of the one true God
He does not condemn me because I'm covered in His blood
In His love and grace
You're wrong
I will wait with all of my heart
I will not lose heart
I will continue steadfastly I will act as Isaac did
I will 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness
I trust that 'all else shall be added unto me.' I take hold of that
That promise
I will wait on you Lord
Thank you for giving me peace
Thank you for taking away the condemnation
But Lord that evil, that came from me
That's what I am inside
I don't know how you love me
But I know you do
Teach me to be more like you
I don't want to a murderer anymore
I don't want to hate myself
I don't want to be an adulterer anymore
I want you to take all the lust away
Maybe not yet
Maybe I don't know how
But someday
God I barely know what I'm saying
But I love you
I'm sorry I'm not okay with waiting
Please change my heart
I want to serve you
But I also..... I also want her
God you made me to have feelings....
But why now?
I dont think I can handle it
But I
....Somewhere in this doubt
Somewhere amidist self condemnation I trust... I trust you
With you can I handle it
So I guess I'll wait
Dear God I love you
There's rocks God
God they're sharp
I think I'll lose my way
The path is narrow
I'll never find it like this
God these are my doubts
But I love you
God I'm
I'm closing..........
GOD GIVE MY STERNGTH
Please..... please.... PLEASE HEAR ME!

God..... God.... I'm, I will, I, ..... I will
Just lead me
I need you
.....

God

I'm closing my eyes now.