Testing A Theory Poem by Paul Hansford

Take a group of chimpanzees
used to swinging through the trees,
and sit them down at keyboards in a row;
lots of paper, lots of ink,
lots and lots of time, I think,
and what the theory says I’m sure you know.

Yes, along with all the junk,
all the gibberish and bunk,
somewhere there’d be the full works of the Bard:
AS YOU LIKE IT, CYMBELINE,
RICHARDs 2 and 3, the DREAM,
though HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK, might be hard.

But I’m sure the little blighters
would get on fine with TITUS
ANDRONICUS, The TAMING OF THE SHREW,
The MOOR OF VENICE (that’s OTHELLO) ,
the other MERCHANT fellow,
and ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA too.

The WINTER'S TALE would hold no terrors,
nor The COMEDY OF ERRORS,
and VERONA’s GENTLEMEN would turn out right;
LOVE'S LABOUR might be LOST,
or it could be TEMPEST-tossed,
but ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL, even on TWELFTH NIGHT.

LEAR, KING JOHN, and MUCH ADO,
HENRY 4, parts 1 and 2,
HENRY 5, and 6 (in three parts) , HENRY 8,
TROILUS, TIMON, MEASURE FOR MEASURE,
PERICLES (a neglected treasure)
and how ROMEO AND JULIET met their fate;

all the SONNETS, and the RAPE
OF LUCRECE (typed by an ape!)
and if they worked for ever and a day
they could fit in JULIUS CAESAR,
that CORIOLANUS geezer,
the WIVES OF WINDSOR, and the 'Scottish play'.

I grew more and more excited –
even thought I might be knighted
if I could be the one to make it work.
But to realise my dream
I had to try a pilot scheme,
to prove I wasn’t just a reckless berk.

I bought one chimp from the zoo -
didn't have the cash for two -
and gave him a typewriter, just to try
for a short while. Well, a fortnight
was the time-scale that I thought right.
You see, I’m quite an optimistic guy.

Now everyone who heard
of my project said, “Absurd! ”
when I told them of my striking new departure.
“Teach a chimpanzee to type?
“Why, I never heard such tripe! ”
Still … he did produce the works of Jeffrey Archer.

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(NOTE: This poem was printed in the Daily Mail with the illustration used in my biography.)