Sometimes I... Poem by Andrus Cassian

Sometimes I...sometimes I wish I could combust
burst into flames, spontaneously erupt; magma
Sometimes I...
sometimes I just wish emptily, heavily
I was someone else, something better
but all the wishing I do
there's not a single one that will bother to come true
Should I be grateful or angry
then again angry is all I ever am
Example
this week, this dreadful week
I'm at a breaking point
I've been as strong as I can muster
but I break, I finally break
I'm sick, tired of this
maybe I expect too much
but all I want to do is work
all I want is to finally be out of the shadows of my family
spread my own wings and be out on my own
all I want is my island of rain
to be far away from these traumatic memories
my brain won't let me erase
All I want is to be given a chance
to rid myself of this constant reminder
the beloved Sorceress is not mine
rid myself of this growing guilty jealousy
I can never have her again
that even now in her vicinity
she forbids her face to be seen in my company
while all I crave is her shoulder to bury my face in
to engrave her scent in my nostrils
my own amnesia created chemicals
perfected with the environment of mountains and thickets
All I wish is for the chance to make up the lost time
but I'm afraid of that, of her, of me
What will I do when I see her
would I run up to hug her
my 8th grade bride all grown up, the same age as me
weeping tears of joy for the seven years I spent without her
or would my arms transform
coil like cobras around her neck
only to release sharply, lose my composure
up and punch her directly in her mouth
revenge for the misshapen spells she wove to kill me
or would I lose it completely
drop to my knees and breakdown
long term tears I kept bottled up, a dam
finally burst, a breach
What would I do if I saw her
beg of a kiss
just one to know the girl I love is gone
or would I stoop so low to even consider throwing myself
off the cliff of our tryst
to say I'd carelessly jump before I'd hug
the one who cast a spell to rip out my heartstrings
or maybe to say I'd jump
before I'd live to witness my Sorceress in the arms of another
I'm sick of this, I'm broken
a humpty dumpty
though all my hopeless endeavors end...
with me...
bursting into a thousand marbles
orange for my favorite color
but painted black for the fact...
that...
I don't know
I never do
I pace the sidewalks of my world
in a run, in a sprint
with caution, with haste
because I have nowhere to go
I have nowhere to be
so I stand in an empty field
ready to scream
What else can I do
my options remain limited
and I can't run to the sun
though I melt everytime I'm in the sun's gaze
Funny I guess I can evaporate...
like she evaporated from me...
so easily...
Why must the things I want so much
become my complete worst enemy
They say losers only
they say losers only in big bold letters
well in this room full of losers
I'm the loser around
I'm the only loser I can see