Snails Keep Away! Poem by Stephen Katona

Out in the rain,
They invade my domain.
My flowers are under threat,
Whenever it's wet.
An army of snails,
Glide on slimy trails,
Brought out by the shower,
Looking for a flower,
To devour.

But they've a surprise tonight,
I'm up for a fight.
I start my assault,
With six kilos of salt,
As they emerge from a drain,
Countless are slain.
In a saucer of beer,
A few start to feel queer.
Many will soar,
Across to next-door.
I make shells go crunch,
Before they can munch,
Until the bottom of my shoe,
Is covered in goo.

Each night I wage war,
Yet still there's more.
I try to respond,
And dig a large pond,
To attract hungry toads.

I spread parasitic nematodes,
To eat the snails inside,
So they gradually died.

Around my flowers I put egg shell,
Thinking the edges would repel.

I dreamt of using cyanide,
As a molluscicide,
And eating them fried.

My favourite plot,
Was an upside-down pot,
Waiting until sunrise,
Those inside I'd pulverize.

I know it might seem absurd,
Finally, I thought like a bird,
The last I mashed to a pulp,
And swallowed in one gulp.

I have a warning to say,
“Snails keep away! ”