Smart Child; Stupid Teen Poem by Evelyn Castillo

When I was young
I was afraid of getting married
I was afraid of wearing dresses
Especially white dresses
Felt that a man would come and take me away
That id have to get married
Never see my family again
As I got older I wanted to save myself
I wanted to be a nun
Never give my virginity away
I contemplated hiding myself away
I wanted to keep myself in one piece
I wanted to be whole
And again I got older
I thought marriage is a beautiful thing
I dreamt of a wedding by the beach
Where I'd wear a white dress signifying purity
And a groom as pure as me
Then I met him
He wasn't pure
But his feelings seemed honest
He put me on a cloud
And as senior year ended we talked
He said we'd stand strong through the changes
But it was a lie
Id fallen from cloud 9
I waited
He looked towards the devil
And messed with more impurity
He came back to me
I had waited
& I thought he had too
For months I was surrounded by devils
Thinking they were angels
Or maybe I was just too deep in
Shortly I gave my purity to him
He had been with 'about 15 others'
I felt like I was just #16
Now time has passed and it's still in my mind
He thinks I like to replay
He thinks I like to be miserable
He says I like to fight
But I don't feel it's that way
Lucky him he was my first
Lucky him, I gave him my purity
Lucky him
Because I got nothing
Whoever #1 was got his purity
Whoever she is has the most pure part of him
And #2-15 have a piece of him too
And me, what have I gotten..
Left overs?
If they see us together
Do they laugh and think how they had him too
Do they think about how they've seen him nude
What was supposed to be just for me, was theirs too
When were together does he compare
What if he just settled
What if they were better? ..
He tells me to stop
To not bring it up
That it's not that way
& maybe id be able to if you hadn't been talking to them or looking for them while with me
Maybe I'd feel better if I was more experienced
Sometimes I feel like I should even the score
But what would that make me?
It would make me empty
I'd leave pieces of my self with these men
I'd be nothing
But even that wouldn't change things because you'd still be #1
And I'll never stop being #16..
Sometimes I want to go back so badly...
Just to stop myself from not being afraid..
I wish I would have always feared marriage..
I wish I was a nun...