Sly Regrets Poem by Lonnie Hicks

I lie on the bed
still tingling
from that love which penetrates
trying to decide if it is satisfaction
I feel
or slow-crawling humiliation.
Has this been my sacrifice,
my condemnation?

Each time it flows this way.

I hear you in the next room
and I am still thinking
as you return.

I take my smile and put it on.

Three dates and we seconds ago lay
in state;
was this the end or a beginning?
Unknown at this point.

I need to know
but cannot ask.
To ask would be to grab
the butterfly by the wings
and hope they don't break.

I look to you for clues;
your eyes,
but they are only staring blanks.
'You ok? You say.
My answer is mute.
My question un-askable.
You say again 'Are you ok. You look
a little pensive.'

Other times I would have left
and placed my cell phone
on vibrate
close to my heart;
wait the next few days
for you to call.

I would tell myself how silly
to bathe in this anxiety
to shower it away with
work and business.

But I know
it will be different with you.
I can't bear the risk
of hiding my thoughts;
to get dressed,
walk away and wait.

You are watching me.
I’m nervous;
sensing you are sensing
something is up with me.

I hear your thoughts
ranging from fear,
to doubting your own performance;
to wondering if
I will raise the commitment flag
and hint that having sex
now required
some payment
in emotional coin;
or if you'll perceive
sly attacking regrets from me.

We both sit
side by side on the bed
each now
swirling away to interior places
where we consult Inner Fears
which tell us precisely
if and how much
we each are worth
this night.

An eternity.
That is how silences feel-
and this ones go on,
unbearably.

No words;
but then
a touching hand:
small thing;
but given and
gratefully received;
small wonderment
where trembling touch
between relative strangers
now sharing finger-tipped intimacy
greater than bedroom sex brings.

It was a gentle brush of a kiss
not the great Passionate One;
It was quiet and sweet.

But one question answered
this time:
all that's left
is for us
is to arrange
next time to meet:
and we did.