Sayanora Dear Friend Poem by Nathan Vu4

I'm done with swimming in denial river, I'm done with my smoke and mirrors, I'm done with my masquerade, and I wrote this to be sure that all of is true, no last second change of heart, no impulsive lying, all of this is true, no fabrications, no masks, no filters.
I remembered the first time I saw you, this gorgeous girl, and I remembered staring into those beautiful eyes and not thinking too much of it. But as I got to know you, I couldn't help but want to hold you in my arms and keep you warm in my embrace, to protect you from harm, to make sure your all right. But when I think about it now, I wasn't really in love with you then, it was more of a compassionate love. At the time I didn't know it. Back then when you rejected my foolish heart, I began to close my eyes to all your good and looked only at the bad. But now that, time has passed, my eyes opened at last, I see all those good things, once again. I love all the good things and accept all the bad. I love you for who you are and who you want to be.
I'm in love with you.
Not the love that is passive, not a one time thing, not a phase.
I love the way you talk, laugh, smile, get happy over barely anything at all, your superstitions, the way your there for me when I'm feeling down, your eyes, your face, your strength, your will power, your curiosity, your interest in the most random things, your wonderful sense of humor, the way you interrupt me in mid sentence, the way you just get excited for such simple things.
I know this has always been a one sided thing. I stuck around hoping in the back of my mind you'll end up with me. Staying there on the sidelines. Doing the best I could to catch you when you fall, to be there when your down, to help you when your in need, to find you when your lost.
I thought about you everyday hoping that your all right, when you disappeared from my life. I tried to forget about you when I'm with another girl. Yet, no matter how I tried, I couldn't stop. I look into their eyes yet all I saw was you.
I froze my heart, built a wall, so that that I couldn't get hurt again. I tossed away passion to not feel the disappointment of passions failed. It took me months, maybe even years to do that. Yet in just one day and one night, you tore down my wall, and melted the ice. It was as if a fire rained downed from heaven and burned me with passion once forgotten. I swear its because we both changed so much since then that I feel like I'm getting to know a whole new person. This woman I saw before me was not the girl I knew back then. The man in my mirror is not the same boy that met you back then. Maybe because only you really know the person I am, maybe because I lie the lease to you, maybe because I was almost completely honest, not playing any games, not going by the playbook, maybe because of many things that I've gone through with you, maybe because you've grown into someone that I truly love, maybe because for the first time in my life a single person keeps my attention, I can't explain why but I do know I do, I do.
You asked me what I wanted and what makes me happy. You make me happy, you brighten up my life, each time we hang I cherish every moment, each day we don't I dread. I have always said if a girl can keep my attention on just her, then she's the one. I didn't realize I all ready met her.
I didn't want to be needy.
I gave you space, scared that if I didn't I would suffocate you, that you have a life outside of me that I know lil about. that if I pressed the issue one more time that you would just disappear from my life, just like I did to many others. I was scared of holding your hands, because mine like my heart so cold and rough, it'll hurt your warm, soft heart. I'm scared to kiss you, because my lips so cold and cracked. I'm scared mainly doing all that and losing you, my close friend...
I wanted to, many times to just hold you in my arms and sleep the night away.
I figured that what I felt was more compassionate love or even just liking, than actual love. Until I looked into what I have ignored, passion was there I just didn't know what it was called. This burning inside that I can't contain.
Each time I go out of my way for you I didn't mind, I never minded many things I did for you. Because I cared so much it didn't matter the amount of hassle I had to go through. But that was when I only cared for you as a friend. But when i cared for you as someone I loved it pained me so much to drop you off at another guys house, knowing he gets to be with you tonight and only he is on your mind. That last night we hanged out I went out smoked my sorrow and my pain out, hoping there was enough smoke to cover it all up. But as I laid there in bed the only thing coursing through my head was you and him and how thanks to me that is happening then. I could barely sleep angry at myself and my weakness of not being able to tell you then.
I hid all this behind smoke and mirrors, bottled it up and put it in a safe forgot the combination and threw away the key. Yet it came outside all the same, over flowing until the bottle, the safe, all the smoke, and mirrors could not hide it anymore.
I wanted to say all this, so you can hear how much I really mean this. But maybe its better this way, that I can think about, all I want to say, written so you can understand.
I might be assuming a lot, I assuming how you feel, how you think, and what you would say. But I do know this, your going to Seattle, I'm in a state of heartache, I never have gone through before, and obviously its worse than before, and if I keep staying here waiting on the side where you can't see me, that this will happen again, and again. And that cycle scares me just as well, that fear of by holding on to you as my friend I keep going through this, I keep distancing myself from those that feel this way towards me, that I feels towards you.
I don't want to bitter, I don't want to be angry anymore, I know it seemed that way many times when we hung out. I didn't care about sex, I just cared about your heart. That which to me was more valuable than the most expensive diamond, and more beautiful than the sky on clear summer night. So....
I set my heart out on the table again, going all in, knowing all to well I'm going to lose. Lose not only you, but a huge chunk of myself. You might be losing a good friend, but I'm losing not only that, but someone that I truly love with all my heart, that I care for, more than anyone else I have known. This pain, when your coursing through my brain. I am no longer enough to go through this cycle forever more, that being said....
I hope your life goes well, I hope that you will be happy, I hope that no one else betrays your trust, I hope only good things come to you, I hope that whoever you love, will love you back and stay true, I hope that he cares for you more than I do, I hope that your friends will forever stay by your side and are there for you, I hope that you can open up more to those around you, I hope you all the best things will come into your life and stay there, I hope things will be good not just OK. I hope we see each other again... but as for now, sayanora which is the goodbye for a very long time.