Salomé Poem by David Lewis Paget

The play was called Salomé, and we
Thought it was an omen when
The girl that played the leading part
Was stricken with the mumps,
So we had to get a new one, and we
Called on Mrs. Newman, who was
Thirty, going forty, and too
Large around the rump.

There was little we could choose from
In the cast, if we should lose one,
So the stand-ins were recruited from
The Geriatric Home,
There was Barney, who'd gone missing
On a trip to Little Gissing, though
His body had returned, he'd left
His faculties to roam.

Then Madge and Mavis Murray were
Recruited in a hurry to
Supply their famous curry
To the audience, at the break.
When we asked them of the Matron
She said, 'go ahead and take them! '
For the ulcers of our Patron had
Been keeping her awake.

The rehearsals were exciting, and
The changes rung like lightning
'Til the player playing Herod slipped
And fell right off the stage.
So we had to bring on Barney, who'd
Been in the British Army, but
Who didn't like the guy who played
The Prophet in the play.

They had been out there with Rommel,
One a Private, one a Colonel,
In the Regimental Journal
Barney didn't get his say.
Now he got to play King Herod who
Would see this Prophet buried
When Salomé asked the Prophet's head
Delivered on a tray.

I was worried about Barney, who
I thought a little barmy,
Then the printer spelt - 'Salami'
On the program for the play.
I was livid, I was raging,
It was so humiliating
That I almost cancelled everything
And gave the show away.

On the night they raised the curtain
Our Salomé was uncertain,
When she did the dance of seven veils
The audience had cheered.
There were only twenty seven from
The village, Little Bevington,
She'd quite forgot her underwear
And quickly disappeared.

I called for intermission while
I handled the confusion, but
The blushing Mrs. Newman wouldn't
Come back on the stage,
So she stood behind the curtain and
Called out to Barney Burton
'I only want the Prophet's head
Delivered on a tray! '

Barney seemed to quiver, almost
Like he'd lost his liver,
Then he turned toward the Prophet
And he grabbed him by the beard.
Then he pulled him right toward him
And he grabbed the Captain's sword and
Then he flashed and gashed and gored him,
I said 'Stop! ' - He never heard!

A sudden hush descended, this
Was not what we intended,
Then the sword came down to part
The Prophet from his skinny neck,
Then the head fell on the table as
The neck began to gurgle,
And the audience sat stunned until
A few began to clap.

We all were still as statues as they
Clapped and threw their hats, and so
We turned like cornered rats, and smiled,
And then we took a bow.
But then, from out the kitchen was
The clash of dish and fish in as
The Murray sisters claimed the stage -
'You want your curry now? '

The audience, long scattered, sit
At night, when people chatter, and
They talk about Salomé and
The sight they saw that night;
'When that seventh veil came orf an'
We could see it was an orphan,
Did you see her belly button - Gawd!
Now wasn't that a sight! '

I have given up directing since the
Police have quit dissecting all the
Aspects of Salomé that just
Didn't come out right.
Though I tried to resurrect it so
They wouldn't disrespect it, but
I couldn't get a man to play
The Prophet, on the night.