Rejection Poem by Claudia Krizay

The fear of rejection-
Despite the sunshine
And
California, dreams-
This place where snow never falls, and
The ocean exists just outside my back door-
This fear and aloneness
Not even a prayer would
Alleviate,
Although one day I met you
Walking barefooted in
The sunlight’s shadows –
A child of God you said you were and
That we are all God’s children-
Your hand outstretched
Reaching for mine- although
With some trepidation
I walked the path towards heaven
By your side as the rain fell-
Laughter was infectious,
I could feel my bare feet sinking into the
Muddy water, as we grew closer
Sharing the secrets of our wounded hearts,
Life, laughter and these peace filled moments had
Me believing I had found a friend in you-
It hardly mattered that the rain was falling hard
In this place where it hardly ever rained-
I would never be alone again…
Inside my small cracker box home
I would wait for your arrival, though
My thoughts, abruptly interrupted by
The harsh ringing of the telephone-
Life, laughter and peace-filled moments
Transformed to shattered hopes and phony expectations-
The God you had told me that answered everybody’s prayers-
Had different plans for you and I-
The hand that had so gratefully reached out to touch your soul
Took the wound of rejection, anger and deep disappointment -
The profuse bleeding was not the bleeding
From nails pounded into the hands of Christ crucified –
This God that you claimed had made so many promises, but
Was the bleeding of my wounded heart and wrist-
From that day on, I would never again repeat the words
“In God we trust” as
I had been betrayed by your false promises and
Forsaken by the God who walked with you-
I see blood in a puddle upon the
Kitchen floor,
Red contrasting rudely with the tile, stark white-
Hardly diluted by the tears of rejection
I had wept so copiously-
The rain has ceased to fall now and
The sun is shining again upon this land but
Not upon my inner space-
Here in my sanctuary, alone,
I cannot see the light of day-
California dreams have
Transformed to nightmares-
We are all God’s children,
As you had so faithfully said, but
I am a child of God who
Walks alone in the darkness
Towards the rising moon- and
They say only crazy people dance in the dark
When the moon is full-
The rain may have washed my tears away but inside of me
Lives an untrustworthy soul that
Will never reach heaven’s gates because
The God you walk with and in which you have
Placed your faith, in my mind does not exist-
Blinded by the bright sunlight, and
So angry at this world
I choose not to live in, I shall
Walk outside my back door towards the ocean,
Find a seashell and hold it to my ear to listen
To the waves roaring as
I walk barefooted in the sand alone-
Alone, being the only way I can exist-
You, God and the sun have not been true, and
Darkness had never seemed so beautiful as
I dance beneath the full moon during the midnight hours, as I
Converse with the voices that echo throughout my mind,
Locked behind the doors to my inner space forever,
Hidden behind the moonlight’s shadows
Perhaps a lost soul, though always dreaming…