Punishment Parade Poem by Gert Strydom

I was in residence in Salisbury house
at the private university
lying at the foot
of Helderberg mountain

when in my fourth year
somebody with a master key
broke in to my room
stole clothes
and some bottles of cool drink
and even took a cake
out of the refrigerator.

Nols, a first year friend,
who was studying the same degree
was fresh out of the army
where he had been a lieutenant
and caught the thief red handed
stealing from his room

and to this day I do not know
how he convinced him
to confess,
but like a military prisoner
he and his roommate
marched that thief
right to my door.

His race was Coloured
mixed with Indian
(and why I address race here
will later become clear)
and sorry wasn’t enough
and what he didn’t sell
he drank and ate
and Nols asked:
“what do we do,
with the prisoner? ”

I made a joke
about a punishment parade,
which they took very seriously
and every day that student came
as their prisoner
and did push ups and lifted weights,
until he was convinced
to pay me back,
but it wasn’t the end
of the story.

Six o’clock one morning
on a winters day
the dean of Salisbury house
called me in.

“Who do you think you are
to call the Rector
at five in the morning
about your car
that was defecated on
and threaten with
a racial war? ”

My face was blank,
as it was the first
knowledge that I got
about faeces
on my yellow BMW.

A master degree student
who’s nickname was Ouboet (big brother)
walked in
and took the responsibility
for the call on him

but I wanted gibe that dean
and said that I am going
to the police to lay charges
and to let them take samples.

He took me very seriously,
tried to argue
and prayed for me
and both Ouboet and I suppressed laughs
and immediately I knew
which people had tampered
with my car
and I used a red fire house
to spray it off.

I didn’t have to wait long
before the responsible party
drove his new white Golf gti
straight into a big oak tree,
landed in hospital
and left the university.