Jason Terrell

Not Enough

I’m not a great man or a good guy
I’m just a kid.
A kid.
A kid who has been thrown out into the tides of the world, wandering from high to low not knowing which direction to go or if I can even escape the pull.
I don’t have all the answers.
I don’t know anything.
I’m still trying to figure out what I am supposed to do and everyone is saying I should have the future figured out by now but I can’t even tie my shoes right, so how am I expected to know the next ten years of my life?
I’ve never planned for it because part of me never saw me making it that far and that is not a sign of suicide but a confession that maybe I might not be good enough.
I don’t want to stand on a pedestal and preach that I am the new messiah for our generation, I don’t want to let down each and every one of you.
Please don’t look at me like I have it all together.
I am just as lost as you are. I might smile and play the part of the guy that’s got lightning as his heart, fearless as he marches on, but listen: I used to be afraid of the thunder, and I'm still afraid of the dark.
I have not yet lit the lighthouse torches to illuminate everything I've been scared of, I don’t swim in deep waters my toes are always in the sand. I am not made of stone, I will crumble at the first touch of gentle hands.
My spirit is not diamond, it is shattered glass.The difference between terror and horror is what time of the day it strikes, I've been scared my whole life because my hourglass has a crack, my clock hands move left to right.
My timing has been off since May 24th,1997.
I don’t expect sympathy or condolence, I just want a moment of silence in the noise since my skull is a spinning top. I want to stop but can’t find the strength to start thinking forward.
Four words are what I use to get by but sometimes I just need to hear three, just need to know that it won’t be held against me.
That I am not made of china. I’m afraid that someone can’t fill these cracks with gold and I’m afraid that I might not even be able to do it on my own

Submitted: Sunday, December 15, 2013
Edited: Monday, December 16, 2013


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