No More Bargaining Poem by Gabrielle Ciarann Roniyah Baer

No More Bargaining



I don't remember making these choices
that turned life upside down.
I made other choices, many choices
that changed who I was to who I am.

I didn't want this new life
that ties me to the land
I didn't want a queen's life, a royal life
that calls for pretense, for trickery and intrigues.

I was free and my world was my own
I was strong, none defied, no one dared
I was brave, no man beat me, no one could
I was smart, no one kept me, though some tried.

All I wanted was that freedom and I cherished it.
What went wrong?
Better to ask, What went right?
A brother-betrayer's call,
A lover-protector's touch,
I asked for neither of these
yet they came and they fought, and they died.

Once I would have said,
that was their choice, what men do is no matter to me.
Once I would have said all life's a risk,
Why should their risks make any difference?

Now I wait, waited on by courtiers,
taught by priests, praised by toadies,
None care for me.

Now I sit, dressed in gold, draped in silks,
drenched in spices
No one I want will see me

Now I stare from the walls,
from the roofs, from the porticos,
Nothing happens.

I cannot move time backwards,
though I will it with all my unpierced heart.
I cannot look forward
to anything I can imagine happening here.
I did not choose this life,
Anymore than I chose his death over mine!

If the old gods are not dead
they must be deaf! I'll cry no more to them,
I'll make no more complaint,
And no more choices.

(written September 1999)

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