Nightmares. Poem by Jason Yarkie

What defines a nightmare? Is it a dream that causes a sense of dreadful or intense fear? I don't know for sure what fear feels like. The times in my life that I should have felt intense fear, I felt... Something. My heart beat quickened, I was light headed, thought process sped up but was less irrational, and my whole body felt numb. Is that fear, if it is I liked it. I feel pain like a normal person, well to an extent. I mean being pinched sucks and I might exclaim 'Owww'! But having more severe injuries kinda feels good to me. Last time I got my face busted open in a fight I couldn't stop laughing and playing with the copious amounts of blood. Sometimes I feel different (more primal or feral) than most people. Is it cause I was tortured as a child or drowned and given CPR repeatedly? Maybe losing the fear of death made me loose respect for life. All I can think is what am I? I suffer from severe post traumatic stress syndrome, and sometimes I'm scared its turned me into a monster. I can't tell people this, at least not in person. Is this what crazy is? I don't want to be crazy, I want to be normal. People like me shouldn't live, we're dangerous not just to others but also ourselves.... I have great friends, family, and maybe some day, a very special and beautiful girl. At night when I stare at the swirling darkness the blankets the ceiling I feel alone.