New Year's Resolution Poem by Jim Yerman

While out shopping in December I couldn’t possibly have foreseen
What happened when I sat down at one of those blood pressure machines.

I thought, why not take advantage of this free medical exam
And find out, in the grocery store, just how healthy a man I am.

I was feeling pretty good about myself, my health was up to par
Until the machine, in order to check my weight, said, put your feet upon the bar.

I obeyed, and the screen lit up as if it was somehow mocking me.
It kept flashing over and over again: One hundred and eighty three.

Well that’s got to be a mistake I said, as my face started to pale
And I quickly looked around to see if someone had their finger on the scale.

But the machine wasn’t finished yet, (this machine I was beginning to hate!)
A red light lit up and started flashing, you are overweight.

I can’t believe this is happening, this can’t be true, I winced
Then I immediately jumped out of the seat and wiped off my fingerprints.

When I got home that afternoon I thought I’d set the record straight
So I went onto the Internet to research my ideal weight.

For a 61 year old man who’s 5 feet 8 came news I couldn’t ignore
My ideal weight is between one hundred twenty one and one hundred sixty four.

This can’t be true I thought to myself as through more web sites I scrolled
The last time I weighed 121...I think I was 5 years old.

So I thought I’d shoot for 164...even that seems a bit absurd
I mean weighing in at 164 pounds....what am I a bird!

But something happens when you lose some weight, the wrong body parts are affected.
As the weight comes off in places you never would have expected.

Your shoulders look smaller, your face gets thinner and you look for someone to blame
Because that spot of weight around your middle still remains the same.

Yes the parts you want to get thin, well they remain as thick
And people start to ask you if you’re dying or you’re sick.

So to fix this I’ve made one resolution at the start of 2014
Never again will I sit down at any blood pressure machine!