My New Fitness Regime Poem by bryan wallace

An evening in the pub - pints of cider
Cheese and onion crisps and salted peanuts.
On the meandering walk home -
The lure of the chip shop is always calling -
Fish and chips sprinkled with salt and vinegar.
My new fitness regime - a run before breakfast -
Starts tomorrow.

Oh my head hurts and my stomach heaves!
What's this annoying ringing -
Is it the bells of Heaven? - I fear I'm dead.
No it's the alarm clock - set early -
For my run before work - my new fitness regime.
I struggle to the kitchen - I down a glass of water
With a handful of aspirin and light a cigarette.
Surely that's enough exercise for one day?

I need to have my breakfast - so -
I look at my shiny new box of Kellogg's All-Bran -
And at the jam dough-nut left from tea last night.
Would be a pity to waste that dough-nut..
After a quick wash and shave,
I return to the bedroom to get dressed -
Lying down on the bed to button my trousers.
The shirt collar nips my neck as I fix my tie.
Why do clothes always seem to shrink?

At the café in my lunch hour, I order a salad -
The smiling waitress asks if I'd like chips with that -
Wouldn't it be rude to say no?
More fruit in the diet is good for you they say -
So I have strawberries and ice-cream for dessert.
Raspberry Ripple too - raspberries - more fruit - must be good.
Three hours left in the office after lunch -
Too long to go without a snack.
I pop to the newsagents to buy some Dairy Milk.

After work - it's a colleague's birthday -
I get invited to the party.
Would be rude to say no - I'll just have the one.
Oh someone's bought a round - I better buy one back.
The meal's not ‘till half-past eight -
I'd better have some crisps to keep me going.
'Do you want another pint? '
Wouldn't it be rude to say no?

As I stumble from the pub at closing time
The mouth-watering smell form the chip shop
Lures me towards it -
With nose in air like the Bisto kid.
They probably expect me at this time of night -
Wouldn't it be rude to let them down?
I get home and set my alarm clock -
Early - tomorrow's the day -
I start my new fitness regime.

The doctor's eyebrows shoot up alarmingly
Once the needle on the scales stops fluctuating.
He sits down at his desk and shuffles some papers -
Then stares at me over the top of his glasses.
He coughs nervously as he clears his throat -
'Mr Murphy' he hectors -
'You're really rather fat -
Do you think that you eat and drink too much? '
I look down and study the swirl-pattern carpet -
It's really rather interesting.

'Not at all, doctor, ' - I reply
'I only over-indulge on special occasions.
And I always have strawberries with my ice-cream,
I add a slice of lemon to my gin -
So I make sure I get my five-a-day.'
As I walk down the surgery steps -
My ears are red and ringing from the doctor's sermon,
I know I can do better - tomorrow -
I'll set my alarm clock for early - and -
Then I'll start my new fitness regime.
But it's a long time ‘till bedtime -
I'll just pop in for a swift half on my way home..