My Mother And Me. Poem by Elizabeth Jacqueline Mpanga

Oh dear mother, we have so much to say to each other yet none of us speaks,
We have so much time but little to say,
It hurts me to see you watching me go bad,
You watch hoping that you could live life for me,
Yet you know deep down I have to go through the pain myself to understand my purpose,

All those times I screamed at you telling you how much I hated you,
I was silently screaming for help inside,
I was confused and could not understand what was going on,
I did not want to disappoint you,
I wanted to show you that I could make it on my own

I kept on messing up and my life was spiraling out of control,
Oh dear mother,
I could hear you praying for me every night
Praying that my eyes be open so that I could see what you were trying to do,
You prayed to God that he may protect me from myself
Protect me from destruction

At times you would cry because I hurt you with my poisonous words
You would cry to God and ask him to have mercy on my soul
I made you miserable, I hurt you so many times yet you still love me
I have given you so much to cry about yet each time you see me you smile
A smile that reassures me that you still love me

I stand on the edge trying to contemplate what life has in store for me
I need your help mother but I am too embarrassed to tell you
I need your wisdom but I am too scared that I will disappoint you
I need your support, I need your acknowledgement

I sit in my bed before I sleep every night and cry
I cry for all the wasted moments
Time that we could have said sweet things to each other
The wasted relationship

I spent so much time being angry at you for my mistakes
I was angry that you were unable to shield me from all the pain I endured
You are still here with us yet I miss you so much
I miss those days when you would smile at me with joy
Now all I see is pain in your eyes when you smile at me

Oh dear mother,
I am sorry I have been a pain
I am sorry I have given you so much grief
I am sorry I have brought you so much pain
I am sorry for giving you such a hard time
I am sorry for hurting you with my words

I am so tired mother and I am fed up
Please hold me and tell me you forgive me
Tell me how much you love me
Tell me that everything will be alright and I’ll believe you

I am lost.
I want to come home.

Elizabeth Jacqueline Mpanga