! Love's Young... Poem by Michael Shepherd
! Love's Young...
They were young lovers, and seated at the table in the window;
where in Paris they'd be watching
the passers-by watching them...
but no.
He was silent, unyielding; but uncomfortable;
she with her head buried in his shoulder,
and pale as a damsel
in some stress.
I thought at first, they've had a long night
and she tired first...
but no.
They looked at me as I took the table across from them
as if I were a threat to their lovers' bubble
of unhappiness
not quite fully demonstrated...
Their order came.
He'd ordered a huge steak platter each;
and with his male priorities,
tucked in with vigour
eating with his elbows
which made it difficult for her
to maintain her body code
so leant her head behind his shoulder blade
uncomfortably
and left her meal untouched;
he undaunted;
one sensed a sympathy held sternly
by a sense of moral support;
it was not unbecoming
to another male...
but she was getting nowhere
and his was a large and satisfying steak.
Finally, she pushed her plate away.
I must say, she played the lovers' code
just right; not overdone,
not underdone, just medium please.
Minutes later
he went off to the Gents.
And then she gave the game away.
Sat up, mind clear, looked out the window
and very, very nearly
did all those feminine things
done at such a time.
O lady, lady, in thy orisons
be all thy sins remembered.
But they left together;
as if with a common purpose.
I like your choice of people (couples) to observe and write about. I also like the sentiments and ending. My only pause is that I think the observations and sentiments could have been conveyed in about half the space. Otherwise, very nice.
Oh you're so right, P/H. How about this? : A lovers' tiff. So what's new?
Now my ego's recovered from your impertinence, P/H....: you have a valid point there about poetic compression. If this were a fictional set-up or an edited one, I would certainly look to 'tidy it up' and generally shape it. But, inspired by Joyce Lazarus' recent posting, I'm trying to write what I call 'real-time' verse. It may be nearer reportage or the short story; but it may have its own virtues. The agenda is: keep the sequence of events; tell it how it was, in (their) outer truth and (your) inner truth; and maybe its truth will communicate more, in subtle ways, than the most careful poetic diction. Of course, whether it succeeds or not is entirely up to you, the reader. Point taken. Thanks. As we always say (and sometimes mean) - better a critical response than no response!
Great observations, I do it myself when alone and eating. It helps pass the time, no need to evesdrop, peoples body language tells the tale. Great write. Bob
Excellent poem, Michael. You made it so real, I felt like an intruder, guilty for spying on her misery. Again, excellent. Hugs, CJ
Well, I'd say it is your poem and your form and your prose, which I really liked. If you want to take 'X' words to say it, I'll read everyone and I thought is was great. You really captured the sceen and I think it's great to experiment with form. That is how a poet grows also. Well done. Thank you.
Well done Michael, and the Quotation from Hamlet's address to Ophelia fits perfectly.
Thanks for your comments. I actually like the piece as is, and had only one mild subjective criticism but you sure focused on that. Thanks for recovering from your initial reaction. Some people want to hear only positive comments, while others are working at becoming better poets and are looking for constructive criticism (not that my comments are always constructive) . I had put you in the category of someone interested in hearing critical comments. That was presumptuous on my part. Anyway, I acknowledge that my comments are completely subjective and that I have no qualifications other than that I love poetry and read a lot of it. One other thing: I think it's extremely healthy to let yourself be influenced by other poets, and if you're influenced by Joyce Lazarus, you've picked a winner.
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
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4/15/2024 11:12:07 PM # 1.0.0.1119
Beautiful work, Michael. I love your free-verse style. It's nice to read your work, my friend.