Losing Anastasia Poem by Andrus Cassian

Detrimental, this situation...so detrimental
Why, why do I even persist; why do I even bother to contend
to be a contender, the defender in this pointless game
Am I the pretender, pretending nothing affects me
like a contagious infectious disease
No, my rouse is clear; I'm made of glass, so easily shattered
Dealing with this...suffering through this...
struggling, fighting for this...
cuts me so deep, so deep right at the knees
I am restrained, chained; bound to a fence post
hands tied behind me
preventing myself from ripping out my own eyes
avoidance at gazing, enraging at the horrific scene
of losing Anastasia...losing Anastasia
Anastasia...the glistening spark now wavering
shimmering into oblivion as the days commence further and further
Why, why do we hold a play of charades in front of the crowd
in front of ourselves
though apart, we take off our costumes
and continue bickering over the same subject
like some sick nightmare
Some try to point the blame at me
How, why am I the main target
Is it all my fault I only wanted to find a way within her heart
Is it all my fault I wanted to be with her because she intrigues me
a well sculpted enigma I can't put together
How is it all my fault when I had no previous knowledge
I'd be fighting a war, stressing so much I'm turning gray
my anger seeping out, getting the best of me while I pace floors
the contents of my inner thoughts spilling onto paper
overflowing the lines, too fast and too much
the product of my mind puking
all to hold onto Anastasia...Anastasia...
My only goal was to make her happy, the happiest she could ever be
to let this relationship mean something
something fond to look back to and smile at
but she won't give way, she won't give reason
I defy her commands to let go
suffer the consequences of her silence
She continues to push me into moving traffic
throw me under the bus
We don't even speak when we're in each other's presence
we just hold each other between the space of forever and never
and kiss for the stars to find our answers, make our wishes real
I see nothing when I'm away from her
I'm dazed, troubled, unresponsive
not because I have nothing left to say
not because I don't care
but because I'm giving up ever so slowly on being a hero
giving up, giving up completely on everything I've tried to be
It's a tug-o-war and it's become a stalemate
I refuse to let what we have become irrelevant, become nothing
but what's the use, what's the point
if she insists on termination...if she insists on termination...
Am I the only one questioning the reasoning behind our union
if it's slowly deteriorating into stardust
It doesn't take a scientist, a rocket engineer to describe for me
I don't need anyone else feeding me the same tired advice
which I'd toss away bitterly, tenaciously
I called it when the problems started
it was long over before it began
She's the knife in my ribs, oddly comfortable
the tattoo I was desperately wanting to keep
She was, at least in my mind, the angel I wanted to see daily
but she let them rust, walked away in disgust
my reason for swimming upstream
Curse of the poet, I point all the blame in its direction
It's a fable, a myth, an illusion I created
still I curse the curse since I can't point the blame anywhere else
but the hate turns onto myself once again
No amount of words from a contradiction can save me
It's like I've died 999 deaths
one more day feeling like this and death finally won
It will be the death of something never established
the death of something futurely beautiful
The purpose of us being together
defeated in combat..defeated...
...and so am I
...and so am I