Loathsome Poem by Christina Simmons

I came back for the family I loved more than
I appreciated life itself; this self-loathing goes
beyond a joke: It's serious above all other doubts
I want so much to desire unseen qualities about me

But still I struggle with these negative thoughts
Of not being good enough! Perhaps not showing as sparkling as a diamond or as beautiful as the stars at night;
although I look every bit a lotus flower
Though I seem as dirty as mud just stained and tarnished

So ingrained are they at times I forget they lurk
in the dark shadows waiting to prance when my guard is dropped
I try to put on a brave face by smiling only not
able too seldom does it come: my eyes are wide and
startle, staring right through as if I possess ex-ray vision
I'm unable to keep focused though I glare directly at you

It's very much like watching through modern man it seems I'm
not really present: although here at every given moment
Very much so at this minute: treat me like I exist someone who matters and counted as one of the guys
Remarkably seen as important; instead I'm viewed
with repulsion and dismay: Imaged I portrayed is that of
a dimwit? Aaah! Man sees what he wants to visualised - written on My features

I was born a woman so I'm meant to be man's trouble and strife?
Make it easy for me not so hard I'm blending in! Smell the coffee?
I'm trying too! Seek not happiness among humanity
As they can only provide temporary highs and rest of time they
supply low energy

Am I fading away faster than lightening? ? ?
Even though all I possess is hidden deep within and
like a flower it unfolds at every passing dawn.
















22/3/15
Sylvestina Silvers