How worrisome it is, when you realize
That your so-called reality has been an illusion,
A dreamy interpretation of perception
Based on an “untold agreement” between those
Taking part in this fantasy!
The time comes when you realize what’s been happening
And you become an objective observer of your life.
You get removed from yourself
And take the spectator’s seat.
What do you see?
You see yourself not really living your life.
You see promotions at work that don’t matter
The blue of the sky and the sea that leave you disinterested,
The warmth of the sun
And the beauty of summer that find you indifferent,
The laughter of your children that goes unnoticed,
The little things and the big things in life happening without you.
You see yourself absent from your own life
All real source of happiness and joy
Being blurred from a fixation,
An obsession, a fantasy, an illusion
That you play in your head over and over
Filling yourself with fake hope
And draining all happiness and meaning out of you.
How can you live your life in the “here” and “now”
When you’ve been living in “hyperspace” and “never”?
How can you make your presents better than your pasts
When you live neither in the present, nor in the past,
But in a time-less space-less illusion?
Why are you wasting every breath
blowing in a bubble that's getting larger every day
And is about to burst?
For years I’ve been searching for the truth in my life.
I’ve been trying to record all coordinates and events of my past
And through them, to explain my motives and actions today.
I’m not in search of the truth any more.
I’m now against illusions
I’m now fighting the magic
I'm now bursting the bubble
I'm now having a funeral
Celebrating the life and death of nothing
Celebrating the life and death of just written words
And putting this part of my life to rest.
I now know that illusions may offer short-term relief to my tried soul
But they eventually leave it weak and limited.
I’ve nurtured the fantasy for some time now
Knowing what I was doing
But having nothing better to offer myself
Being afraid of leaving myself naked
In the freezing cold of my harsh reality.
But I’m testing the fantasy now
I’m dispelling the magic this summer
Hoping that the hot summer sun will keep me warm
And sticking to only what’s real.
I don’t get hurt any more
It’s more like I get educated
Collecting the puzzle pieces and putting them together
To make the puzzle of this world that’s so unknown to me
Like a child that gets burned by fire
And knows to not touch it again
Learning by my mistakes
Day by day
Tons of mistakes waiting to be made
Tons of questions waiting to be answered
Until the puzzle is finished
Reaching self knowledge and awareness
And world knowledge and awareness
And people knowledge and awareness.
Wisdom and maturity for here and now
And a promise to myself for no more illusions.
CeCe Lamberts's Other Poems
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