Life In Grey Poem by Rikki Giovani

Life In Grey



Where is God where is the everlasting love that I was told about? Where is the forgiveness and love unconditional?
Where is the hand to help me up and out?
Where is the shoulder to cry upon and the hand to dry my tears?
I feel like I am alone in a world full of loneliness and hatred.
I can barely see the sun shining from the sky to try to soften my heart. The only thing I feel is the pain running through my heart that is keeping me trapped down to where I have been my whole life.
I came out here to try to get away from the Hell that I thought that i was put in but now I realize that Hell is all around me and that no matter what I try to do no matter how many strides I make that I am pulled 10 steps back into the abyss that I have been born unto.
I tried going to church and all that happened was I stood in the back of the room and cried silently.
I could feel all the happiness around me and the love and friendships and it stung like a knife deep on my heart.
I felt like I didn't belong there although my spirit was being lifted to a happiness that I have not felt before and a wholeness that I have only dreamt about but somehow it didn't feel right I felt like I deserved no part of it that all I deserve is unhappiness and betrayal.
I mean come on seriously if God did care then why was I dealt the cards that I have been dealt why did I have to suffer all my life and still suffer to this day because I can not find a solace a place where I can feel at home and happy.
I just want to belong somewhere I want to be loved for me I want everyone to stop trying to change me and listen to me not just to what I am saying but to what I am not saying.
I need someone that can truly look under the lining of what I am saying and understand what I am too afraid to say aloud and take that understand it and in some way find a way to comfort me.
I left everything I have ever known in Texas I left the only people that have truly been there for me in my times of hardship.
I came to a place where I didn't know anyone but somehow I was guided to come here by God I felt that I came here to a place that I could finally call home where I could finally live and be free and not have to shelter my true self within a shell like I had to in Texas because I was too afraid to let my true colors show.
Yes some people saw my true colors and saw how beautiful my soul is but I was too afraid to let myself truly shine and let everyone see the love that my heart holds the kindness that my eyes hide the friendship that my embrace holds.
I don't know where to go from here or what to do.
I am finally seeking counseling for the problems that I have been harboring from my childhood.
The abuse that I have held within myself for whenever I tried talking about it I felt belittled by the people that were suppose to be there helping through my hard times but instead they turned their heads upon what was going on right in front of them and tried to belittle everything that I tried to say and I have never truly been able to work through any of my issues because no one has ever given me a chance to do so. Whenever I have tried to talk to someone about my childhood that was in the position to help me that had the God given degree plastered on their walls to help me to help guide me to the next stage in my life so I could finally live free from my past and live in my present without my fears and pain holding me down and blocking me from finding happiness and love.
I don't know where to go or who to look to to get the help that I need.
Is it wrong to want to be loved for who I am and not to be changed or molded to be who someone else wants me to be.
But in that same respect who does God want me to be?
Who do I have to be to be loved?
What do I have to do to find happiness?

'13, June,2007'

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