Lack Of Haute Couture Poem by Margaret Alice Second

Beware Sam Vimes; annoyed by a fantailer hat,
jodhpurs and a nervous smile; Sam took on the
legendary Jane Austen, author of world renowned
Pride and Prejudice, to reform her into a modern
writer, criticized the flimsy attire of her five girls

Sending them to Florence Nightingale nursing, open
a Milliner’s shop to put an end to their small talk, marry
Mr Collins the curate shunned by a fastidious Elizabeth
and deleting Mr Darcy; I must agree, Captain Carrot
lords it over all other hero’s in likeability, magical

powers and nobility to withstand pressure to become
king, though he knows his ancestry, being a superhero;
the intrepid commander sees nervous smiles as dead
giveaway of disagreeable intent and jodhpurs means
burgled silverware seen in trousers outlined in teapots

This offensive ensemble is described with inimitable
Pratchettian aplomb: ‘a presumably self-inflicted triple
misfortune’ - oh yes, I have also been caught wearing
self-inflicted triple - even quadruple - misfortunes of all
kinds, suffering from lack of haute couture

And I mean to go on suffering this way, it is much
more fun than being elegant all the time!


Snuff – Terry Pratchett, Doubleday 2011
pp.243,244